The Transfer Epistle

I was going through some of my old mission stuff the other night in an attempt to find my "Spiritual Bob" teaching aids for this weeks mission prep lesson when I made a fun discovery. I found some of the old "epistles" that I had written when I wasn't in the mood to write regular letters to my folks (or to my mission president). I thought they would be fun to post and decided to start with "The Transfer Epistle" in honor of my big little brother Mikey (the freakishly tall elder in the photo below) who was transferred this week.

The Transfer Epistle

By Sister H

Chapter 1
1. And now I give unto you mine epistle of the transfer calls.

2. There was in the days of Satterwaite, the President, a certain missionary named Sister Haws. And her companion, Sister Reese, dwelt with her.

3. And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the mission blameless.

4. And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from President Satterthwaite that all the mission should be transferred.

(A very tired Sister Resse and and even more tired Sister Haws)

5. And all prepared to receive their transfer calls, each going into their own areas.

6. And lo, the Sisters did also prepare to receive their calls, being much troubled in heart over these things.

7. And behold, the branch members did look upon them and did see their downcast eyes and furrowed brows and did ponder the meaning of these things in their hearts.

8. And they did approach the Sisters and did begin to inquire of them the meaning of their frumpy spirits.

9. And one of them spoke unto the Sisters saying, "Behold, cute Sisters of Stratford, why sorrowest thou? Is it because thou hast been caused to partake of fish at a dinner appointment?"

10. And another did break in exclaiming, "Behold, why speakest thou such of dinner appointments? Knowest thou not that the Sisters know not of these things? Behold, surely their sorrow is caused by the cold in which they must tract."

11. But yet another did speak saying, "Oh ye of little faith in our Sisters!" Knowest thou not that they have winterized themselves and do already knock doors like unto Canadians in the cold? Surely their sorrows cometh from the multitude of doors slammed in their faces."

(A converts-eye-view of Sister Reese and I above the Startford baptismal font)

12. And the Branch members began to quarrel with themselves over these things until Sister Haws did say unto them,

13. "None of these things weigh on our hearts and minds at this time, for behold, tonight transfer calls are given and should our phone ring, Sister Reese and I must surely die."

14. And the branch members did marvel over these things exclaiming unto them, "How can it be that thou mayest be transferred? Behold, we will hide thee in our basements till President Satterthwaite hast forgotten thee. Then thou mayest still remain in Stratford with us."

15. But the sisters replied unto them:

16. "Oh, that were were angels and could have the wish of our hearts, which is to remain in Stratford together until the days of our mission should be accomplished.

17. But behold, we are but sisters who must go where we are called.

18. For behold, we will go and do the things which our mission president hath requested, for we know that he giveth no commandment unto the Sisters save he shall have been inspired to know where and with whom they should serve.

Chapter 2

1. And behold, when the hours before transfer calls had been accomplished, all the missionaries did journey home, each into their own apartment.

2. And Sister Haws also went up from the streets of Stratford into her apartment, the place of her nap-tivity.

3. To await transfer calls with Sister Reese, her assigned companion, being great with anticipation.

4. And they did surround themselves with much chocolate and much milk and did lie in wait for the phone to ring.

(Me with Sister Resse and I's favorite treat...the Chocolate Death.)

5. And as they did sit praying that the phone would not ring, behold the phone did ring, and great was the ringing there of.

6. And the Sister's hearts did sink within them and Sister Haws did look upon Sister Reese and did say, "Behold, I perceive the end is near."

7. But as she did go forth to answer the phone she did behold that it was not the A.P.'s, nor the Car Elders, but it was Elder Matthews, the district leader.

8. And Elder Matthews did exclaim unto her, "Behold, have ye yet received your call of the A.P.s?"

9. And Sister Haws did answer him saying, "No! Why callest thou us? Carest thou not that we perish?" And Elder Matthews did desire of her that she might call him if they did partake of a transfer call.

10. And the Sisters did agree to call, save they should perish from sorrow if the call did come.

11. and it came to pass that the hour of transfer calls did pass and the Sisters did sit, surrounded by empty cake pans, staring at the phone.

12. But behold, it rang not!

13. And there was much rejoicing in the apartment at the Sisters did wipe the chocolate from their faces and did brush the crumbs from their dresses and began a dance of joy about the apartment. (Elder Matthews, our slightly apostate District Leader who finished his mission in Stratford)

Chapter 3

1. And there were in the same country, Elders abiding in member's homes, keeping watch over the dessert by night.

2. And lo, an A.P. of the president came upon then and the glory of the A.P. shone round about them; and they were sore afraid.

3. And the A.P. said unto them, "Fear not; for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all the District.

4. For unto you is sent this day, from the city of Kitchner, a District Leader, who is Elder Baker.

5. And this shall be a sign unto you. You shall find the Elder in the transfer van, outside the Covey store, wearing a tie."

6. And it came to pass as the A.P.'s went away from them into Brampton, Elder York did look upon Elder Matthews and did cry, "Oh my beloved companion! The hour of your mission hath passed and now you must depart to the land of Montana and I must remain behind and tract. Woe be unto me!"

7. But behold, Elder Matthews did reply unto him, "Fear not. For although I bid farewell, I go to rest in the paradise of Montana until my body and my suit shall again reunite, and I am brought forth to meet you before the pleasing bar of the Delta Arrival Gate in the Vegas Airport."

(Me in the Stratford font...if you fill it they will come)

Stay tuned for the epistle concerning the "Winterization of Sister Haws"...COMING SOON!