A Non-PETA-Approved Christmas

Christmas.

I love Christmas.

I really do.

I love the decorations, the lights, the food, the music. I love being surrounded by family and visiting with long lost friends. I love how kind and giving people become. I love how there is peace on Earth and goodwill towards men everywhere... except in the Fox News studios and on board international flights from Copenhagen. And because I'm an English teacher, I love looking for the different themes that develop each year as the holiday progresses. Some themes repeat annually for decades, like Christmas morning scones and family nativity pageants. Other themes cycle around, reoccurring for new generations, like Cabbage Patch Dolls and toy kitchens.

Some of the most memorable Christmas themes are unique to a specific year, like Moose's sunglasses with purple robe fashion phase from the early 90's.

This year we were blessed with the continuation of several traditional themes, like the Christmas morning missionary phone call, but one unique theme was also evident in the events and conversations of the last week: animal cruelty.

Yes. That's right.

I said, er, typed, animal cruelty.

This Christmas shall forever be known as the Animal Cruelty Christmas. Here are some of the reasons why:

Chloe, the neurotic bat-eared rat-dog, was an honored guest during our holiday festivities. The poor thing had to spend the better part of a week being petted, hand-fed, and screeched at by my woof-woof loving nieces. She also had to share her chew toy with neighbor dog Jimmy and, as an only child, Chloe was not down with sharing.

The second animal to be abused this Christmas was Bert the hippo. My mother helped to perform some elective whoopee cushion surgery on him that turned him into Bert the farthing hippo from NCIS.

But that bit of animal cruelty was for a good cause. His new gastrointestinal abilities, combined with a spiked leather caller, made him the perfect gift for my life-long pal Brook.

The next supporting detail for my mammalian malignity main idea (Hooray for Thesaurus.com!) was brought about by Jenny's kid's special Christmas request for Aunt Me... stuffed cats. I ordered them online and was met with a disturbing sight when I opened the boxes they were shipped in...

I thought about leaving the poor things in their plastic tombs and wrapping them for the children that way. But then I remembered that I was planning on delivering those gifts in person and the idea of waking up in the night to the sounds of the children's suffocated cat nightmares wasn't all that appealing.
Mikey counts the shirts I gave him as cruelty to brothers, but I think he will change his tune when he is late for class at BYU and hasn't done laundry for a few weeks.

There was quite a bit of high-tech cruelty going on too.

If my dad would have known how soundly my mother would trounce him at bowling, he might have spared himself the suffering and bought my mom a new blender instead of a wii.

Which would have saved a lot of suffering on my part since Mikey has been kicking my trash and my bunny's fuzzy tail at the Rabbids 2 game on a regular basis since Christmas morning.

When I started this post, I thought the animal cruelty theme was unique to Christmas 2009, then I came across this photo from a Christmas Eve back in the 1980's. Apparently the torture of small, fuzzy fuzzy has been a long standing tradition in our family.

But as long as Moose's peak-a-boo robe and aviators sunglasses stay a one-time occurrence, I'll keep my animal cruelty complaints to a minimum.

The Next Adventure

The New Stake Relief Society Presidency... ... Let the Learning Experiences Begin!

An Hour Long Post About a 70 Minute Phone Call

WARNING: THIS IS A VERY LONG POST... EVEN LONGER THAN MY NORMALLY LONG POSTS. I SUGGEST USING THE WASHROOM BEFORE YOU START. YOU MAY WANT TO ARRANGE TO HAVE FOOD DELIVERED AT SOME POINT. AND PERHAPS SCHEDULE A TIME, MAYBE HALF-WAY THROUGH, TO WALK AROUND A BIT, SHAVE, AND CHANGE INTO A FRESH PAIR OF CLOTHES BEFORE TACKLING THE SECOND HALF. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. (and Merry Christmas!)

11:58 – Dad dials Greg’s number in Portugal... “Hello…is this Elder Haws? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me?

11:59 – Dad, full of faith, is still trying to get a response. “Hello? Can you hear me? Is this Elder Haws? Hello? Can you hear me?

12:00 – Dad hangs up, then redials

12:01 – Dad hangs up and redials yet again. There may or may not have been some cussing at this point.

12:02 – Mom asks Warren to see if he can figure out how to fix the dishwasher.

12:03 – Dad redials again. This time Greg picks up and blames the phones for the problems, not the parent’s general lack of technological savvy. “This has to be the worst phone in all of Portugal!” says he.
12:04 – Mom asks if he got his Christmas box. Greg says his was the biggest box. Mom thinks about all of the other elders picking up their wimpy Christmas boxes while Greg claims his giant Christmas box. Mom is happy that Greg won a competition that is only going on in her head.

12:05 – Mom asks how he is feeling. Greg says, “I’m really tired, but that just goes with being a missionary.” Mom is proud. Mikey says, “He probably just has mono after kissin’ on all those Portuguese girls.” Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:06 – Greg tells stories about getting lost.

12:o8 – Greg is still telling stories about getting lost. Mindy explains to Kenna that Uncle Greggie gets lost a lot.
12:09 – Greg tells us that the members in his new area think he looks like Harry Potter. Mindy is pleased.

12:10 – Dad tells Greg that Idaho Supreme paid for the whole next year of his mission. Greg says “Holy Cow!”

12:11 – Mom tells Greg about the “tip” Moose got from T.O. Greg says “Oh my goodness!” and “Wow”

12:13 – Mom and Dad tell Greg about Mikey at the BYU bowl game. Greg says “Wow!” Mindy begins to wonder if he has forgotten all English words except “Wow!” “Holy cow!” “Oh my goodness!” and “I got lost, again.”

12:14 – Jenny listens in as Mom tells Greg that Jenny’s children have submitted their questions for Greg in writing. Greg asks if writing the questions was part of the children’s court-mandated community service. Mom tells Greg that Jenny’s kids aren’t that poorly behaved. Mikey says, “Oh yes they are.” Somewhere in Utah Jenny scowls and plots revenge against Mikey.

12:15 – Mom reads the questions and Greg answers:

Ruby’s Questions (age 3): Do you see babies in Portugal? What are their names? Greg’s Answers: Yeah, there are babies in Portugal. Tiago’s are everywhere.

John’s Question (age 33): Are girls prettier in Portugal or in the USA? Greg’s Answer: The USA because I don’t look at girls like that here (mom says, “Good!”)

Bentley’s Questions (age 8): How do you travel? What is your companion like? What is your favorite food in Portugal? Greg’s Answers: We travel by busses. My companion is great, wow, Holy Cow! I would have to say duck rice.

Maxwell’s Question (age 6): What do you like best about being on a mission? Greg’s Answer: I really like speaking Portuguese.

Jonah’s Question (age 4): What is your favorite thing to do on a mission? Greg’s Answer: Teaching people.

Jenny’s Questions (age 33): What is the strangest thing you have eaten so far? And what do you drink most of the time? Greg’s Answers: Cow stomach/Juices.

12:16 – Warren and Greg talk football. Mindy gets bored and shows Kenna some Jurassic Fart videos on YouTube.

12:17 – Kenna talks to Greg. She asks him if he is on his mission. Greg says he thinks so. Warren tells Greg that Kenna thinks Mikey and Greg are the same person. When Greg thinks about the implications of that, he throws up a little in his mouth. Then Kylie gets a snack.

12:18 – Mom tells Greg all of the stories about Jenny’s kids. He laughs, he cries. He misses Jonah.

12:20 – Mom tells Greg she got a wii for Christmas. Greg says “Oh man,” and “Wow!” Mom tells Greg we made a mii for him. Greg asks “I’m not black, am I?” Mindy explains to Kenna what racism is.

12:21 – Mikey and Greg talk in Portuguese. Mom is happy.

12:22 – Warren (who served in Mexico and speaks Spanish) says Portuguese is ugly and that Greg and Mikey sound like drunks.

12:23 – The boys are still talking in Portuguese. Mom recognizes her name. She says, “I think they are talking about me!”

12:24 – The boys are still talking about mom, using funny voices and laughing. Mom says “Ok, that’s enough.”

12:25 – The boys are still talking in Portuguese. Mom recognizes the phrase that mean “It’s true”.

12:26 –Kenna sneezes all over Mindy’s hands. Mindy throws up a little in her mouth.

12:27 – Mom says she is ready for English. Greg says, "Mikey sounds just like the Brazilian people here!" Mike says, "Go figure!" Mike says, "Greg has the Portuguese accent down, and it is annoying." Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:28 – Kylie finds another snack.

12:29 – Mom tells Greg that Moose flys out tomorrow for the Bill’s last away game and that he will be happy to be done traveling. Mom tells Greg about Brianna getting into the nurse anesthesiologist master's program. Greg says “Brianna is gonna make bank!” Then Greg requests that Brianna draw his name in the family Christmas gift giving draw for the next ten years.

12:30 – Warren uses to wii to look up Greg’s weather online. Greg says it is so cold there, he feels like a girl. Mindy explains to Kenna what sexism is.

12:31 – Greg says he has already had two dinner `appointments and is going for another after the phone call. Mom tells Greg that she looked at his branch website and it is beautiful. Greg says it is the second most coveted area in the mission. His first area was the most coveted, so he thinks the president must like him.

12:32 – Mom asks about the other elders in the area. Greg says, “All the fun elders in this zone, are fun, but we work hard.” Mom is proud.

12:35 – Mom asks if he has been cooking. Greg said he found a lot of baking powder in his new apartment, so he has been making a lot of pancakes. Mom makes a note to ship him more syrup.

12:36 – Kylie hears the word “pancakes” and gets a snack.

12:37 - Mom asks for clarification on how to say Greg’s zone name. He makes it sound like “Olive Garden.” Mindy is hungry.

12:43 – Greg says a girl was flirting with him, but that he walked away. Mom says, “I think that’s great!” Mikey says, “I always walk away when girls try to flirt with me.” Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:44 – Mom tells him she printed off the photo of the rat he put in his freezer and hung it up in her classroom (to read the now infamous tale of the rat, click HERE) .

12:45 – Mindy asks Greg, “Whose bright idea was it to try to get the rat they caught drunk before killing it?” Greg said they tried to get the rat drunk because they saw Ratatouille. The rat drank some of the rubbing alcohol, and then rolled in the rest. Mindy says, “You could have lit it on fire.” Mike says, “That’s what my apartment would have done.” Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:46 – Mom tells Greg that Kyle G. is engaged. “That’s fast. DANG!” Mom tells him that Nick Demo is going to BYUI, and that Kelsey Demo is getting married in Jan. Greg says, “Wow!” Holy cow!” and “Oh my goodness!”

12:48 – Greg tells Warren that he got a letter from some girl Warren hired at Wells Fargo. Greg said the Young Women from the ward also wrote him. Warren starts planning Greg’s marriage to the Wells Fargo girl and/or one of the Laurels.

12:50 – Greg tells Mikey to find him a little Brazilian wife. Mikey says, “You don’t want to marry a Brazilian girl. They are time bombs!” Mindy continues to explain to Kenna what racism is. Kylie takes a break from snacking and pretends to talk to Greg on another phone.

12:52 – Mom can’t believe the girl from the bank wrote him. Greg says his ex girl friend has written him, too. Greg says he won’t write back because she is a distraction. Mom says to send his ex a post card.

12:55 – Greg says he got to talk to his old companion. Elder Wilson. Greg says he loves Elder Wilson. Warren starts planning Greg’s marriage to Elder Wilson.

12:59 – Dad tells Greg that Mike got a new phone. Greg says, "The girls at BYU must loveMike." Dad says the girls stay away from Mikey. Mindy says that will change since mom gave Mike aftershave for Christmas. Mikey claims he doesn’t smell bad. Warren starts planning Mikey’s marriage to the girl from Wells Fargo.

1:05 – Dad gives Greg the update on the missionaries from the stake. Dad tells him about Derek Toone baptizing 23 people in one month in Mexico. Greg says he is going to request a transfer to Mexico.

1:07 – Dad says they are over on time and should go. Dad then continues to talk.

1:08 – Dad tells Greg to keep them updated on stuff he needs... And that they love the letters…much better than the letters from Mikey. Mikey doesn’t notice the slam because he is busy texting girls from BYU letting them know that he now owns aftershave.

1:09 – Mom and dad tell Greg they love him and will talk to him in 4 ½ months.

1:10 – In Portugal, Greg heads out to his third Christmas dinner. Back in Idaho, the rest of the family starts counting down to Mother’s Day.

If you have an extra hour to waste, feel free to review last year's Christmas phone call to Missionary Mikey HERE .

Home for the Holidays

"Oh there's no place like home for the holidays..."
"Cause no matter how far away you roam..."

"If you want to be happy in a million ways,

For the holidays you can't beat home sweet home."

I have been visiting my parental homeland for the last few days and have been able to participate in a variety of yule tide activities. Sugar cookies have been baked and decorated. Purchases have been made at Target, Toys 'R' Us, Barnes & Noble, and "The Mall". Nieces have been treated to shopping trips, gummy runs, doughnut socials, and swimming trips. The presents are wrapped, the Christmas music is blaring, plates of goodies cover every flat surface of the kitchen.

But as much fun as I am having here at this home, I am glad that I was able to spend so much of the holiday season in my ancestral homeland.
One of my favorite parts of the Christmas season round these parts is Santa's shed. Since we don't have a mall for Santa to frequent, a cute little shed is errected outside city hall where kids can come visit Santa. Combine that piece of country quaintness with the decorated feedlots and caroling hay rides, and you've got the makin's for an old school rural holiday.

And speaking of hay, how can you not miss a place where straw is used in road construction?

But my very favorite part of my 6th Cassia County Chirstmas was the very unique, very creative, very festive, very Burley lawn decoration outside this year's festival of trees.

While I may be spending the actual holiday in the bigger city, I think I left part of my heart there on the lawn of the old highschool with that old Chevy.

And no matter how many fancy window displays I walk past, or over-the-top lighting displays I see, no fancy-scmancy holiday decore will ever make me smile more than the crooked tree in that rusty truck.

"Take a bus, take a train,

Go and hop an aeroplane.

Put the wife and kiddies in the family car.

For the pleasure that you bring,

When you make that doorbell ring,

No trip could be too far."

"Oh there's no place like home for the holidays,

Cause no matter how far away you roam,

If you want to be happy in a million ways,

For the holidays, You can"t beat home, sweet home."

Little Branch in the Big City

It is traditional for our cute little branch to plan a Christmas road trip to Salt Lake City.

Unfortunately, our traditional plans traditionally suffer from the traditional weather patterns of our traditionally homicidal Decembers.

Last year when a big pre-road-trip-storm rolled in, we all reviewed our various insurance plans and (much to our dare-devil former branch president's chagrin) decided the best course of action would be to stay home and, you know, ALIVE. But this year, when yet another 3-day storm rolled in , we decided to brave the snow and sleet and out-of-control-semi-trucks and make the trek anyway.

Why did we do it? Maybe it was all of this year's Sunday school lessons about the pioneers. Maybe it was our deep need to leave the valley one more time before the road-closure season completely cuts us off from the rest of civilization. Or maybe we just have less to live for this year. But for whatever reason we said a prayer, notarized our wills, climbed into vehicles, and started slipping and sliding towards the state line.

I was lucky enough to score a seat in the SUV being driven by Princess SmoothRide McSpeedster. Her stellar driving skills were the reason I only had to shout out "We are all going to die!" about four times (and I only texted it once), and as anyone who has ever driven in any kind of "weather" with me knows, that is a new record.

The snow was falling, visibility was low, and roads were slick, but we all managed to get where we needed to be... eventually.

There were a few bumps along the way, though. Moments after this photo was taken, President Barlow's carload witnessed a nasty semi-vs-SUV-vs-tree accident. They stopped to make sure everyone in the accident was ok, then had to stick around to give a statement.

But eventually the snow stopped, the temperature rose, and we all went back to worrying about more troubling things than being maimed in a terrible car accident (college finals, unfinished Christmas shopping, yet another Sunday school lesson about marriage and family, etc.).
And after taking almost four hours to drive what usually takes us closer to two, we climbed out of the car, knocked the dried manure off our "goin' to town shoes", and set out to explore the big city.

Salt Lake really is a "big city" compared to our little piece of rural paradise, but we managed to hold our own.

And whenever we started to get a bit overwhelmed by people, the traffic, the people, the buildings, the people, and the sheer masses of people, we always managed to find some little reminders of home (homesteading cabins, livestock, etc.) to help us find our center.

We ate ourselves sick at the Rodizio Grill.

And then we swarmed the Church History Museum where I had my photo taken next to the photo of my great, great grandfather Henry Grow before Krystal and I practiced pounding a variety of pulpits.

And then we headed ourselves up and moved ourselves out, right on over to Temple Square.

The couples in the group used the romantic atmosphere to do a little snuggling...
... While we "unattached" folks commandeered the bridal platform for some "Where's the groom?" shots.

A few of us arrived on the square long before the lights were set to turn on, so we found other ways to entertain ourselves. We checked out the view from the top of the Joseph Smith Memorial building and covertly stalked a security guy as he whispered cool code phrases into his secret service style communication device. And for a while we took photos of all of the hundreds of people who, for some unknown reason, had decided to wear berets.

Chasing down random beret-wearing city dwellers kept us busy until the lights came on. Then we walked around the square again so that we could take in all of the Christmas beauty around us before...

...heading back to the freeway where we were treated to yet another stunning display of big city phosphorescence: a traffic jam of break lights. Quite festive, don't you think?

We made it back onto the freeway just in time to drive through yet another storm.

Then we all made it home (in only three hours this time), only to suffer an even more terrible fate...

...having to listen to a Sunday school teacher quote Beyonce in the middle of our 23rd lesson about marriage and family.

But it could have been worse.

We could have slid off the road, suffered minor injuries, and then had to sit through a lesson on the law of chastity wherein I might have quoted Lady Gaga.

So let us all count our blessings... and next year just drive up to Oakley to see the lights at the feed lot.

All in favor?