9:01 - Dad starts dialing Greg’s number and asks, “Think we can make this call without swearing this year?” Mindy is doubtful.
9:02 - Dad finishes dialing the number, pauses, then, with his voice drenched with sarcasm, says, “Oh good. The line is busy. His
other parents must be calling him.” Mindy is momentarily impressed that none of those sentences contained a
H#!! or
D@$^ .
9:03 - Dad dials again. Greg picks up. Dad says “Good morning! How the
H#!! are you?” Mindy makes a mental note to supplement her retirement fund by putting a cash bet on the table the next time Dad wonders if he can accomplish a task without cussing.
9:04 - Mom’s cell phone rings. Mom answers and shouts, “It’s Mikey!” Mom talks to Mikey as if he is the missionary. Mindy reminds Mom that Mikey is in Provo and Greggie is the missionary this time. Dad hands mom another phone and she tries to talk to both boys at once.
9:05 - Mom asks how Greg’s week was. Greg says, “We found 12 new people and taught six. That is a new record!” Mom is proud. Mom asks how Mikey’s week was. Mike says, “I moved out of Jenny’s basement and flirted with five girls yesterday.” Mom is equally proud. Mindy marvels at the differences in rubrics mom uses to measure the success of each son.
9:06 - Warren, Kenna, and Kylie arrive. Warren says, “It’s time to talk to Uncle Greggie!” The girls immediately start looking for uncle Greggie on the couch, under the table, etc. Warren explains that Greggie isn’t in the house, he is on the phone. Kenna grabs a phone from Mindy and tells Greg, “Hi.” Mindy points out to Dad how Kenna is able to greet someone on the phone without cussing. Dad takes Kenna out of his will, giving her portion of the inheritance to Jonah, who calls Grandma, "Damn-ma".
9:07 - Kylie takes the phone from Kenna. She waves hi to Uncle Greggie and then looks at the phone expectantly. Somewhere in Portugal, Greg waves back. Kylie, using her keen Vulcan mind-meld powers, senses Greg’s wave. Satisfied with her Greggie-interaction, Kylie tosses the phone on the ground and heads for the kitchen in search of food.
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9:08 -Dad tells Greg about his High Council meeting that morning. More cuss words are involved. Dad then tells Greg that Mom is speaking in stake conference the next week on the topic, “raising righteous children.” Greg asks, “They do know that Spencer is your kid too, right?” Somewhere in New York, Spencer has a sudden inexplicable desire to give Greg a wedgie.
9:09 - Dad asks about how many people come to church in his area. Greg says he has 16 investigators at church. Mom says, “That’s huge!” Greg says, “When we got here there were no investigators and the members didn’t like the missionaries. We are finding people now, but it is a lot slower than my other areas.”
9:11 - Mom, Dad, Greg, and Mike talk about the weather. Mindy and Kenna get bored and watch YouTube videos of a dog popping balloons.
9: 12 - Mikey tells Mom to tell Greg goodbye and hangs up to go back into his Provo Sacrament meeting. Dad tells Greg that Mikey went on a first date with a great girl last week. “It was a lot better than the rest of the dates he has had lately because she waited a whole day before she left the state!” Somewhere in a Provo chapel, Mikey has a sudden inexplicable desire to give Dad a wedgie.
9: 13 - Greg says something kind about Mikey, but nobody really hears it because Kenna turns on the blow dryer and Kylie tries to redecorate Mindy’s sweater with a pencil.
9:14 - Mom takes over telling Greg about Mikey’s date and the pictures he posted on Facebook, saying “It looks like she is a good sport. There was hail on hike, but she was still in good spirits.” Warren chimes in, “Isn’t the fact that she was on a date with Mike proof that she is a good sport?” Kylie wipes her nose on her daddy’s tie in defense of Uncle Mikey, then asks for a cinnamon roll.
9:15 - Mom tells Greg that Nick Demo is engaged. Greg says, “Oh no!” Mom says, “His fiancé is from Hillcrest.” Greg says, “That is even worse! Whoa. Whoa!” Greg asks if they met at college. Mom says yes. Greg makes a mental note not to attend college and therefore never meet a girl.
9: 16 - Dad tells Greg that Warren is attending sacrament at the Nursing Home . Dad says, “He fits in, great! He slobbers and falls asleep half way through the meeting.” Warren says that Kenna and Kylie help him push people in wheelchairs to the meeting. Mindy says they are the newest members of the Junior Dr. Kevorkian Club.
9:17 - Dad updates Greg on people from the ward. Mindy gets bored and helps Kenna color Dora the Explorer.
9:19 - Greg says they meet a Bulgarian girl while knocking doors. She asked if they were robbers. They told her “no” and she let them in. They taught her about prayer.
9:20 - Greg continues to talk about teaching the Bulgarian girl and her family. Kylie climbs on Mindy’s lap and asks to type on her lap top. Mindy says yes and gies ti tghemnbvccxz 23p9yutklngp;aows’;o09weuigfb;ouiwoijagl’/kn. Kylie gets bored and goes back into the kitchen.
9:22 - Dad asks Greg about transfers. Greg says he doesn’t know if he and his companion will stay together. He talks about his old companion Elder Wison who is now an AP. It quickly becomes apparent that Greg has a man-crush on Elder Wilson. Mindy explains to Kenna what a “bromance” is.
9:24 - Greg says that the last missionaries in his area were slackers, so the bishop doesn’t trust these elders. He keeps telling them to work smarter. The Bishop told them, “Elders… we’re sad we haven’t had a baptism since you’ve been here.” Greg says that Elder Dalton, Greg’s still-green-behind-the-ears-companion, was going to punch the bishop in the face. Mom says, “That’s crazy!” Then heads to the den to find her passport so she can fly to Portugal to punch bishop in the face.
9:25 to 9:29 - Greg talks more about his area…”This area is called Zion because members just bring people to church, but they don’t want to get baptized, they just want to feel good…The first week in this area was bad, but it is getting better. But there is a lot of stress because this zone is the highest baptizing and they haven’t set anyone for baptism… One lady read the book of Mormon and knows its true but works on Sundays and can’t get to church…etc.”
9:30 - Greg says that not wearing black suits isn’t actually a rule. Dad makes plans to send him the nice black suit they had previously purchased. Mom says Mikey has the suit in Provo. Dad says Mikey now owes Greg a computer , a car, a phone, AND a suit. Warren says to end call quick before Mikey doesn’t have anything left.
9:32 - The parents update Greg on Jenny’s kids. They tell Greg that Jenny’s brother-in-law Hugh is getting married. Mom says that both Hugh and Nick met their girls in January. Greg makes plans to rent out a bomb shelter for his first most-mission January to avoid meeting girls.
9:35 - Warren tells his daughters to tell Greg goodbye because it is time to go push old people to Sacrament meeting. Kylie continues to look for Greggie in the bathroom and behind the entertainment center. Greg prays for the old people Kylie will be transporting.
9:37 - Warren sends his two and three-year-old daughters out to the car while he continues talks to Greg. He says Greg was missed this week because Warren had to take out some trees. “I’m not used to doing manual labor… I’ve had brothers around for too long.” Mom says he almost took out the neighbor’s Mustang with a tree. Greg laughs with a Portuguese accent.
9: 38 – Warren’s baby daughters are wandering around outside talking to men in trench coats and taking candy from strangers while their daddy continues to talk. Greg says one of his friends is serving in UFC fighting dude’s ward. Warren says that the UFC guy isn’t much of a fighter anymore as evidenced by the fact that he was on dancing with the stars. Greg says, “Oh no!” Warren says the UFC dude probably got baptized right before that. Dad says it was probably because he was on with the Osmonds. Greg considers using the rest of his phone time to call Donny and Marie to come and teach his 16 investigators to dance so they will get baptized.
9:40 - Kylie comes back inside and cries because she wants to take a toy home. Kenna cries outside because she doesn’t want Kylie to take a toy home. Greg cries in Portugal because he is pretty sure the toy Kylie wants to annex is one of his old toys.
9:41 – Dad asks how often Greg has to cook. Greg says, “We try to cook all the time, but it never works out well. I can make really bad rice and really bad pasta.” Mom asks if the members cook for them. Greg says yes. And an investigator family feeds them at least once a week, usually “Beer chicken”. Mom says, “ Yummmm. That is really tender.” Greg remembers that, if not for the word of wisdom, Mom would be a lush. Greg changes the subject.
9:43 - Greg says he is serving in the most dangerous area in the mission. Members say, “Don’t go there you will die.” Mom hops on Priceline to find a cheap ticket to rescue Greg… and try some of that chicken.
9:45 - Greg says they don’t knock doors on houses cause rich people are there. Greg does 90% of door approaches and teaching…he had never had to do that before. Mindy the Mission Prep Princess is proud of her little brother.
9:48 – Mom, being a mom, asks about laundry. Greg says he forgets to wash his G’s, so every couple of weeks he has to wear his thermals. He adds, “It is so hot I want to die.” Mindy lights up upon imagining Greg wearing his thermals in the hot weather. Mom tries to explain to Mindy what empathy and charity are.
9: 49 – Mom says, “It’s hard to believe that in a month you will have been out a year!” Greg says, “A year ago I was freaking out about the MTC and now I am running an area and training a comp.” Mom asks for the names and numbers of all the other missionary parents so she can call them and tell them her how much cooler her son is than theirs are.
9:50 – Dad says, “Time is running out, so you better get to the rest of the important topics. Mom asks about pancake mix she sent.
9:54 - Greg tells about tracting into a crazy lady. He says she calls screaming saying she needs help, and has pulled a knife on them. Greg explains, “She has lots of illnesses and mental issues.” Dad says, “She’s golden!” Greg describes what he thought the crazy lady was going to do with the knife. Mom laughs because the description of knife injuries makes Mindy woozie. Mindy teaches mom what empathy and charity are.
9:57 - Greg gushes about his mission president, calling him a “bear of a man.”
9:59 - Dad asks if Greg has any advice for mom on her raising righteous children talk. Greg says, “Don’t mention how Spencer got arrested on the school bus for mooning a cop.” Mom says, “But that was going to be my opening story!” Greg says mom was good at showing him how everything in life always come back to Heavenly Father ‘s love for us. He adds that she also taught him about the power of prayer. Dad asks what Greg learned from him. Greg says, “How to cuss… and that song about musical farts." Dad makes a mental note arrange to have that legacy written on his headstone.
10:00 – Greg’s companion can suddenly be heard announcing that the bear-like mission president just arrived at their apartment. Greg yells something about “love” and “emails” and “goodbye”.
10:01 – Mindy packs up for a quick trip to California. Mom and Dad get ready for church. Warren tries to explain to his daughters why old people in wheel chairs don’t like riding down stairs. Jenny attempts to keep her kids from using her mothers day flower as a projectile in the chapel. Spencer ponders his unexplainable desire to fly to Europe to give his brother a wedgie. And Greg gets back to work teaching the Gospel, firm in the knowledge that all is well with his family back home… and that, when he gets home, Mindy is going to have a field day teasing him about wearing thermals in the summer.
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