Some Fascinating Girls

Setting out to prove once again that the P.A.B. is the coolest branch to have ever sprouted from deep-rooted tree of the LDS church, our Relief Society packed up last night and took off for the great outdoors.
Well, it wasn't the whole Relief Society. There were a lot of things going on this weekend so only a few of us were able to attend this fabulous RS Retreat. It was the few, the proud, the dedicated, (...the dateless...) who bundled up and followed our fearless leader Lacie into the wild unknown territory of Melcher.

While there are some who would scoff (in this case, scoffer = President Jones) at calling our over-nighter to a meticulously restored and beautifully furnished stone house a "nature retreat", I feel it is important to point out that we were "roughing it" in many ways. For example, if we hadn't have discovered the owners manual for the state-of-the-art stove in the kitchen, we could have starved to death or, even worse, had to eat our pizza cold. And while we weren't exactly sleeping in tents...
...I would like to point out that my room only had one single flower arrangement. That's right. Just one (insert gasps of concern here). The bundle of dried lavender on the antique dresser didn't count. It fit into the category of potpourri.
And the bathrooms (all three of them) may have had flush toilets and hot running water but look at that tub...not a Jacuzzi jet in sight!
But we were willing to suffer through these deprivations in the name of sisterhood. We went to Melcher to strengthen our Relief Society bonds and lift each other's spirits.

We conversed (and ate Snickers), and listened to an inspired spiritual thought delivered by Krystal (and ate caramel corn).

And after Krystal's inspired spiritual thought, we got down to business (and not just the business of eating more Snickers and caramel corn).

Sister Hobson had packed this book, The Fascinating Girl by Helen B. Andelin, first published in 1969 (way, way before cute little Sister Hobson was born, of course). According to the dust jacket, "The Fascinating Girl is written to single girls and provides a step by step guide how to gain the attention and interest of men and eventually win the particular man of your choice."

Needless to say, we were all on the edge of our seats anticipating some life-changing counsel. After all, both Sister Hobson and Sister Jones had copies of this book and they both gained the attention and interest of some of the greatest men we know, so that gave Helen some serious street-cred in our minds.

It was, of course, a life changing experience. As Sister Hobson read to us, we soaked in the pearls of man-catching wisdom like this important rule: If at some time or another you are stuck with a masculine job in the presence of men, do it in a feminine manner and thus show your helpless dependency...This means to struggle with it or show some amount of incompetence...be your true feminine self, and men will come quickly to rescue you because you appear dependent and in need of their help. We learned the "Do's and Don'ts for the Feminine Manner," including: Don't use your hands in a stiff, brusque, efficient, firm or strong manner. Do walk lightly, with knees slightly straight (Sister Jones was kind enough to model that one for us when her good (yet scoffing) husband walked in and we could tell that he was impressed by the way he looked at us in a confused manner before quickly retreating back to the basement). Don't use the following qualities of voice: loudness, firmness, efficiency, boldness, over softness, or timidity, dullness, flat tone, mumbling, monotonous singsong.
One of our favorite lessons was "How to be Saucy" wherein we learned that... The key to child like anger is this: Your anger, your spunk or sauciness must be mostly pretense....One of the best things to do is to pout, or protrude the lower lip...Some other things to do are to stomp your foot, shake your head, open your eyes wide, place both hands on your hips, or square your shoulders and lift your chin high. These are only a few of the outward signs of sauciness.
When it was time to go to bed, we reviewed other important tips like...The main thing is to avoid a matronly look....to learn girlishness in dress, visit a shop for little girls and study their clothes. You will observe full skirts, pleated skirts, jumpers, petticoats and pantaloons... Ribbons and flowers add girlishness to hair styles as do barrettes and bands. Men love these touches...High heels are feminine, but they are not girlish. It is best to have both kinds [of shoes].
While the above information would have been very helpful in attracting the kind of man featured on DATELINE: TO CATCH A PREDATOR, we found another piece of fashion advice more helpful: Should women wear pants? ... When you do wear pants, soften the effect by color, material or accessory. You may have to wear a ribbon in your hair, for example, or a scarf at your neck. The most feminine pants, for special occasions, are made of such things as white lace...they can be beautiful and extremely feminine.

Krystal couldn't help but smile as she dreamed of white lace pants. We did become somewhat distracted from our lessons in "Fascinating Girlhood" when we woke up to discover a mid-October snowstorm had made our mountain look like it was wearing its own pair of giant white-lace pants.
But even the threat of being snowed in couldn't keep us from continuing to practice our new man-catching skills. Here is Fearless Leader Lacie fixing our delicious and fascinating breakfast. We tried to complement her on her wonderful muffins, but she reminded us that : A man likes a girl to be rather modest about her domestic interests rather than to advertise them. For example, a girl who tends to apologize for her cooking is more attractive than one who brags about it. The modest girl implies, "Oh, I am not very good at this yet, but I intend to be some day." She promises better performance in the future and gives the impression that other things have taken her interest right now.

Ruth and I tried practicing timorousness as we prepared to go home this morning. What? You don't know what "timorousness" is?!?

I guess that shouldn't surprise me because, according to Helen, "Timorousness is little understood by women of today, and yet it is a most bewitching charm of womanhood. It can be described as an air of timid fearlessness, of self-conscious modesty and of pretty confusion."

Here are Ruth and Kristi (on the front row), demonstrating "timid fearlessness", while (from the right to left on the back row) Jessica, Lacie, Sister Jones, and Timbri are being self-consciously modest, and Krystal, Sister Hobson and I are showing off how "prettily confused" we can be. Before we packed up to leave, we decided to take one more group photo outside in the blizzard to prove to the scoffing-scoffers once and for all that we did venture out into "nature" during our retreat.
Of course, as we were loading our blankets and licked-clean Snicker's wrappers, we did try to...demonstrate [our] helpless dependency upon men, and let them know either by asking or some outward appearance of weakness, delicacy or incompetence that [we were] in need of some masculine assistance.
And it must of worked because President Jones did hop out of his truck to open the cattle gate for us on our way back down the mountain.

"Thank you, kind Branch President, for coming to the assistance of we helpless and dependent Relief Society sisters."
It's a shame there weren't any big strong members of the Elders Quorum back at the branch building to help me dig out my snowbound car...
...or to shovel my sidewalk when I got home. I tried acting "saucy", sticking out my lip, stomping my foot, and walking with slightly straight knees to attract a man who could rescue me from my dependent incompetence with the masculine task of digging out my stairs, but to no avail.
I had to shovel them my self...while wearing pants that were NOT made of white lace.

Don't tell Helen B. Andelin.