Boise Engagements Bring Burley Showers

Thanks to a happy convergence of callings, circumstances, and events, I have been handed the opportunity to (legally) attend my dearest, most darlingest, singles branch for three Sundays in a row. Today was my second Sunday back and, as I listened to the many, many announcements (one for every night of the week!) I felt a wide range of emotions.

There was a little sadness because they were no longer MY activities.

There was some confusion because I couldn't figure out how those many, many activities use to fit into my schedule.

And then there was the numbness in my backside brought on by the hard, plastic chairs to which my bottom has become unaccustomed. Ouch.

I was also feeling pretty thankful for the little branch reunion we had the day before at Krystal's bridal shower. Sure, the shower itself was wonderful, as was spending time with Princess Smoothride-McSpeedster herself. Life around this cute little cowtown hasn't been the same since Krystal headed up to the big city.

Celebrating her upcoming nuptials gave us former branchers a chance to reconnect with each other and with some of the current branchers (we love you, Bonnie and the Lucas women! Even if we didn't get any photos of you!) .

Friends, food, laughter, lingerie: it was just like old times! Minus the lingerie,that is. The lingerie was new. At least, I am assuming it was new. I mean, I didn't go to every activity, but... you know.

Instead of playing the usual shower games (Thank you, shower-planners for not making us play shower games!) we gave Krystal advice, watched her open gifts, and listened to her answer questions about her soon-to-be-hubby. In that process, Krystal learned a few things about Reed, and we all learned a few things about Emily and Lisa and their familiarity with the products Victoria keeps secret at the back of the store.

But knowledge about Reed's dream car and Lisa and Emily's familiarity with products that made her blush for a full thirteen minutes, wasn't the only thing Krystal received. She also got a whole host of things that will make her future home smell and look beautiful, and enough cooking supplies to ensure that she will have no choice but to follow President Sager's counsel to cook her hubby breakfast every morning.

She also got some of those other kinds of shower gifts.

I was feeling pretty good about the cheerleader ensemble I put together for my good friend Krystal, but started second guessing myself when I saw all of the kitchen-related gifts she received. I thought that my first idea for a shower gift would have fit better with the theme of the day...

Oh well. I guess it could make a pretty nice wedding gift too.

The afternoon provided Krystal with many useful gifts, and a few fun gifts too.

Those of us who attended came away with wide smiles and satisfied sweet teeth.

But that wasn't all.

After getting to rub shoulders with some of our favorite branch folks, Timbri and I also came away with a plan for a branch reunion, complete with friends, food, fun... but probably not lingerie. We'll wait for the next shower to break that stuff out again.

But when we do, watch out. My sister sent me some cute ideas for lingerie-themed cupcakes and sugar cookies that I'm sure Lisa and Emily will approve of.

Keeping Up With The Joneses

(To Whom It May Concern, A more singleton-centric-post and about the boating FHE, Relief Society River Retreat, and the four-wheeling tradition trip is forthcoming. Please enjoy this Jones-Centric-Post in the mean time.)

You may recall that, when my former branch president was called as our new stake president, I was pretty darn pleased with the situation. It took a few days for me to work through my poetic euphoria, but when I did, I realized that this new calling would mean that he and his wonderful family would have plenty of new responsibilities, and less time for the likes of me and my fellow singletons.
Lucky for us, keeping up with the Joneses hasn't been as difficult as anticipated. At the beginning of the summer, we had plenty of occasions to see President and Sister Jones at the temple. Always the teacher, President took those temple trip opportunities to teach us important eternal truths... like "not voting for president's choice for the post-session restaurant means you are volunteering to speak in stake conference."

As leaders of the stake, President Jones and his family have done their best to lead us adorable singletons into some serious summertime adventures. Remember Moochie and his missing swim trunks?

But boat-driving-skills that literally knock the pants off riders isn't really what President Jones is known for. No, the signature move of President, or in this case, "Captain Jones", is the "water-weenie-wreck," something he perfected during a branch boating activity last month.

Never heard of the "water-weenie-wreck"? Well, it's a pretty simple concept...

After the water-weenie-wreck carnage was skimmed off the water, Krystal was inspired to try out one of the Joneses wake boards for the very first time.

Krystal had some trouble at first, but with Captain Jones at the wheel, amazing feats of jump-i-ness quickly ensued (I would like everyone who was present in that boat at that time to note the literal truthfullness of that sentence and then admitt that I have the skills to run for public office some day).

And one week later at the branch Relief Society River Retreat, where the Joneses were present in spirit, their influence (and Brother Hobson's celestially charitable boat-driving skills) inspired even the likes of Timbri, Lacie, and I to take to the tubes.

And then there was our traditional 4-wheeling adventure to Melcher Mines.

Kristi taught us all about the beautiful Melcher Mansion House and supervised the dinner preparations. Sister Jones took every opportunity to point out the beautiful wild creatures that roamed the hills...

And President pointed out some other points of interest during our rides.

For example, here he is leading us on a hike up to the den of the mountain lion who has been trained by the three Nephites to eat anyone who turns down an invitation to speak in stake conference.

And here he is explaining to Nurse Lacie why it is that, even without taking the mountain lion causalities into account, people who speak in stake conference tend to live longer than people who don't.

And this is a shot of President explaining how this deep, dark, dank, pit of stagnant and disease riddled water is symbolic of the post-judgment-fate of those people who fail to sustain their stake presidencies by doing horrible things like buying dinner from the other stake's food booth at the fair... or turning down the opportunity to speak in stake conference.

It is a long, long way down... It sure makes those of us who have already spoken in stake conference feel good about our decision to have done that. People like me and Krystal. Yep. We've been there and done that. Check that off the celestial kingdom to-do list for us. Yes-sir-ee. Old news. That's what the two of us are. Nothing interesting or uplifting left to say. Ever. And so I think it is safe to assume that we will follow the Joneses where every they want to lead us, whether it be to the brink of water-weenie-wrecks, the domain of swim-trunk-less Elders Quorum Presidents, or the lair of an apostate-eating wild cat.

We would even follow them right up the steps to the stage of the King Fine Arts Center when stake conference rolls around again. Yep, right up those stairs to the stand and the row where the speakers sit... and we will wave and smile at those poor souls and walk right past them to the row to the row where people giving the opening prayer sit, and then right past them and up to the choir risers where we will join in singing the closing musical number. Cause we're supportive like that.

Oh, and by the way ladies, that self defense class on mountain lion wrestling starts on Saturday.

A Parke Avenue Reading Primer, or The Best Branch Boating Activity EVER!

Get into your assigned reading groups!

It's time for today's reading lesson!

Chapter 1: A River Surprise

See the Stake President drive the boat.
See the boat pull the tube.

See the Elders Quorum President on the middle of the tube.

Go, Elders Quorum President! Go!

See the Elders Quorum President's friends.

See his friends ask the Stake President for "some air".

Silly friends!

See the Stake President go faster.

See the waves.

See the Stake President hit the waves.

Silly Stake President!

See the Elders Quorum President on the tube.

See the tube hit the wave.

See the tube go high in the air (two seconds after this photo was taken).

Wow! Up, up, up, goes the tube.

Up, up, and off goes the Elders Quorum President!

See the Elders Quorum President hit the water.

See the Elders Quorum President look in the water.

What is he looking for?

Oh no! The Elders Quorum President is looking for his pants!

Can you see the Elders Quorum President's pants? No one can find the Elders Quorum President's pants!

See the river.

See the Elders Quorum President without his shorts.

See the Elders Quorum President in the river without his shorts.

See Lisa laugh at the Elder Quorum President's misfortune.

Laugh, Lisa, laugh!

See the tube pulled to shore.

See the Elders Quorum President hide behind the tube.

Hide, Elders Quorum President! Hide!

See Tesha keep her eyes forward.

Don't look, Tesha! Don't look!

See Emily.

See the Man-in-Water-Flag.

See Mindy wish Emily had a "Pantless-Man-in-the-Water" Flag.

See Mindy imagine Emily holding a "Pantless-Man-in-the-Water" flag up, up, up!

Bad Mindy! Bad!

Look!

See the fish in the water.

Look!

See the Elders Quorum President in the water.

The fish are perplexed.

The Elders Quorum President is sad.

See Lisa.

See Lisa run to shore to find a towel.

See Lisa throw the towel to the Elders Quorum President.

Throw, Lisa! Throw!

See the towel go in the water.

See the Elders Quorum President wear the towel.

See the towel and the Elders quorum president leave the river.

Hear the branch members cheer.

Cheer, branch members cheer!

See the Elders Quorum President walk.

See the branch members take cell phone pictures.

Upload to Facebook, branch members! Upload to Facebook!

Foresee the attendance at the next boating activity skyrocketing.

Blast-off, attendance! Blast off!

See the Elders Quorum President be a good sport.

Good Elders Quorum President!

See the branch members adore the Elders Quorum President.

Adore him, branch members! Adore him!
See the Elders Quorum President pause.


See the Elders Quorum President think
.

See the Elders Quorum President remember how he got to the river.


Oh No!


See the Elders Quorum President's motorcycle.

See the Elders Quorum President ride his motorcycle home in a towel.

Go, Elders Quorum President! Go!

See five miles of confused neighbors.

See Mindy go home and post about the Elders Quorum President.

Post, Mindy! Post!

See "the pantless president incident" go down in branch history.

Chapter 2: How the Trent the Trout got his Swim Trunks

Risking Life and LIMB at the BRANCH Camp-Out

Get it? The title, I mean? Limb...Branch? Never mind. From now on, I will LEAF the puns alone.

Dude.

I apologize to everyone over the age 13.

I have been away from the cheesy-pun-loving-seventh-graders for too long.

ANYWAY.... This week the wonderful Parke Avenue YSA Branch held their annual camp-out at Steadman's in Raft River.

Now, some of you may be wondering why I attended the camp-out seeing as how I was tossed out of the branch back in February, but I assure you that my presence was legal and legit and all that.

You see, as a member of the stake Relief Society presidency, it is my responsibility to assist the sisters in the stake in any ways possible. I thought the camp-out would be a great opportunity to discover the unique and individual needs of the sisters in the P.A.B.

And it was.

Lacie, for example, needed to get a rock out of her shoe, Cassie needed some dutch-oven cobbler, and Zealanda needed better cell phone service.

The rest of the sisters pretty much just needed help staying warm. I guess the branch should have known better than to plan an outdoor activity for July. It's still way too early to count on having two days of warm weather in a row. Sweatshirts and blankets were the neediest of needs.

Oh. And Katie needed a cute guy to kiss on.

I think I managed to make some good progress in helping fill the needs the sisters in the branch. Except for Katie's, that is.

Unfortunately, most the very nice boys in the branch need to be taught how to make wise fashion decisions before we move on to covering basic smooching techniques.

But they did build Katie a fire, so at least she was warm while she spent the evening pondering her kiss-less immediate future.

But the most obvious presence at the camp-out was even more frightening than the boys wearing white tube socks with their swimming suits. No, the man of the hour was the ever present threat of Death, who has managed to show up and linger in the background of all of our most memorable branch activities.

Many young single adult activities have some element of danger to them, as if to emphasize the point that we singletons don't have much to live for. The camp-out was no exception. There was the zip line that Krystal,

and President Barlow,

and a host of other brave and/or suicidal folks took turns hanging out on.

And then there was the mother of all slip-n-slides. It just kept going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going...

While coming down the slide was rife with dangers...
...including the threat of breaking your nose while falling off a speeding tube...

...or catching the bubonic plague from the drowned field mice at the end that posed the greatest threat.

No, the honor of "activity most likely to kill the most members of the branch" was hiking back up the stinkin' hill so you could go down again.

By the 9th trip up, Branch Nurse (and activities chairperson) Lacie was having to give emergency breathing assistance to many of us (although I think some of those Elders Quorum guys were faking so as to sample Lacie's well known mouth-to-mouth resuscitation skills) .

By the 14th or 15th trip, I let Zealanda know that, if I perished in the attempt to make it to the summit, she and the other girls had permission to eat me in order to stay alive until they could be rescued. See what a selfless, charitable Relief Society Person I am? Many Relief Society sisters can plan a dinner, but how many would volunteer to be dinner? With all this charity that I am rocking, I just don't know how I haven't been translated yet.

But even with death awaiting the campers at every turn Tuesday evening, there was only one casualty: Amanda's toe nail. Brother Morley was willing to amputate, but ended up MacGuivering it with some napkins and electrical tape instead.

After volunteering to donate one of my toes to Amanda, should she need it (and the charity just keeps on coming, baby!), I took a few more trips down the slide, helped Zealanda put up her tent, watched Brother Morely take down and then put up Zealanda's tent correctly, and bid all of my beloved branchers a fond farewell before heading home.

Except for the folks who actually "camped out" overnight. They were attacked in the dead of night by angry, apparently anti-Mormon bats with mad diving-bombing skills and kamikaze-like, death-embracing mentalities. Then the survivors of the bat attack froze to death in their sleeping bags. In July. Because this is Idaho.

Thanks for letting me come hang out P.A.B.ers! I love your frozen guts!

P.S. Did you miss out on the 2008 branch camp out? Or are you suffering from memory loss due to a head injury sustained on the 2008 branch camp out? No Problem! Read all about it by CLICKING HERE! Enjoy!