WRITING ASSIGNMENT: Write an expository essay for your English teacher in which you identify one person you would like to meet and explain why you would like to meet this individual.
So who do 20,000 Idaho 7th graders want to meet?
Shawn White a.k.a. Shaun White, Sean White, and Shean White (although mee giveing the kidlets a harrd time abot speeling is a seriuos case of the pot calleing the kettele bllack) .
Many want to meet Santa Claus...including one girl who titled her essay "Santa's Little Lover." No, it wasn't about Santa having an affair with an elf, you dirty bird. She started every paragraph with, "I would LOVE to meet Santa because..." so she thought the title was a perfect fit.
Another wrote, "My friend told me that when he was little he saw Santa Claus. I believe him. But I'm not sure if he's telling the truth" (I'm glad this kid's teacher has apparently been working on spelling with the class, but I think a couple of vocabulary lessons might be a good idea...starting with the meaning of the word "believe").
"I want to meat Marton Luther King Jr."
"I would like to meat Mikel Felps."
"Meeting Michael Phelps has been my life-long goal and dream for at least two years."
"Michle Phelps is one of the greatest people I've seen scenc Jerry Rice."
"...then, when I turned seven, I got serious about Oprah."
"I want to meat Marton Luther King Jr."
"Finally, years after Martin Luther King Junior was assassinated, black people finally became free."
"There are many things that make Michael Jordan an unstoppable train of awesomeness."
"I want to meet Michael Jordan because he played for the Chicago Bulls. My parents are from Chicago, I was born in Chicago, and I used to live there (crossed out)...theree(crossed out)...their(crossed out) ...thiere(crossed out)... in Chicago."
"If I could meet anyone it would be Mikel Jordan."
"In conclusion, when Ozzy Osborne dies, he will be a legend. Unless he doesn't die. Because he's the devil."
This was one of my favorites....
I would like to meet the great explorer Lewiston Clark (he he he... he/she thought Lewis and Clark were one person! I LOVE it!). If not for Lewiston Clark, the Pacific would still be part of the Atlantic."
"I want to meet Elvis...he didn't do drugs and was a great role model" (Dude, talk about "revisionist history"... I want this kid to write my obituary when I go).
"I wish I could meet the one and onley Ben Franklin."
"If I could, I would go back in time to the 1600's to meet one of presidents, Abe Linkon." (1600's? Really?)
Most of the teachers at the scoring session were surprised at who the 2nd runner-up for "Person most 7th Graders would like to meet" turned out to be...
The first runner up turned out to be anyone and everyone associated with the Twilight phenomenon. I myself read and scored 44 Twilight-themed essays. If you assume that all 60 scorers averaged about the same amount of Edward/Stephanie/Alice essays, that would be...um.... let me run across the hall and check with the teachers who are scoring the direct math assessments to find out how many that would be.
But the overwhelming winner of the "Who Idaho Seventh Graders Want to Meet" competition was....
Many kids wanted to meet their dead siblings (those papers made us cry). Other kids wanted to meet their dead parents who had killed themselves after the sibling died (the crying continued). But over all, the majority of Idaho kids want to meet their dead grandparents. Seriously. Judging from those essays, there can not possibly be a single living grandparent in the state of Idaho. A few of them apparently died of natural causes, like heart attacks, strokes, being run over by tractors, and "loneliness because we never came to visit," but I was really surprised at how many grandparents were felled by shotgun blasts to the face or rifle rounds to the back of the head. Basically, if you have a 7th grade aged grandchild who is living in the state of Idaho...you are living on borrowed time, Gramps.
"I want to meet Elvis...he didn't do drugs and was a great role model" (Dude, talk about "revisionist history"... I want this kid to write my obituary when I go).
One little girl had a crush on the guy that makes those You-Tube videos crying about how everyone is picking on Brittany Spears. She has a little crush on the gay, I mean guy, and wrote...
He is so hot! Except for the fact he acts like a girl and sometimes wears makeup. He also needs to not like guys. We really do have a lot in common, cause be both dress and act like girls, but I am supposed to because I am a girl. But he is really, really hot!
Many, many kidlets wanted to meet our new president...
"BaRock Obama"
"Barok Obma"
"Barack Obmama"
"I wish I could meet the one and onley Ben Franklin."
"Benjermin Franklin invented by-falcal glasses."
"One resin I want to meet Bengmen Frukland is because he invented the light bulb." (Hummm....maybe we need to have a little talk with the history teachers....)
"If I could, I would go back in time to the 1600's to meet one of presidents, Abe Linkon." (1600's? Really?)
"I would like to meet somebody dead. I would like to meet Aebrham Leacen. His nickname was Onest Aeb."
"I would love to have a time machine so I could go back in time to meet Abe Lincoln. I would show him my ipod and he would think I was a god."
One kid wrote their whole essay about our first president who helped the revolutionary army defeat the British. We know he/she meant George Washington, but the name that was used over and over and over was, you guessed it, Abe Lincoln.
"If I could meet anyone, I would pick Jesus...because two holidays are named after him: Christmas and Easter."
"I want to meet Jesus for many reasons... He is the reason we celebrate Halloween."
Most of the teachers at the scoring session were surprised at who the 2nd runner-up for "Person most 7th Graders would like to meet" turned out to be...
Bob Marley.
I learned a lot about Bob, for example...
"When Bob Marley died, people found over 30 different types of bugs in his hair."
"After Bob Marley died, people discovered that his hair was the home for, like, 30 speshes of insects." "One of the things that I inspire (I think they meant 'admire') about Bob Marley is..."
"Bob Marley was a ausome singer."
"If I could meet Bob Marley we could pardy all night. It would be funner than a rat in chees."
The first runner up turned out to be anyone and everyone associated with the Twilight phenomenon. I myself read and scored 44 Twilight-themed essays. If you assume that all 60 scorers averaged about the same amount of Edward/Stephanie/Alice essays, that would be...um.... let me run across the hall and check with the teachers who are scoring the direct math assessments to find out how many that would be.
In the mean time, I can tell you with mathematical certainty that many of those essays had the word "bite" in the title.
Bite Me.
Please Bite Me.
Bite Me Please.
Please Bite Me, Edward.
etc.
One very .... ummmm .... shall we say, "descriptive" essay dedicated to Edward was labeled by my table leader as "soft-core porn." A few people laughed, but no one disagreed. Yikes.
But the overwhelming winner of the "Who Idaho Seventh Graders Want to Meet" competition was....
DEAD RELATIVES!
Many kids wanted to meet their dead siblings (those papers made us cry). Other kids wanted to meet their dead parents who had killed themselves after the sibling died (the crying continued). But over all, the majority of Idaho kids want to meet their dead grandparents. Seriously. Judging from those essays, there can not possibly be a single living grandparent in the state of Idaho. A few of them apparently died of natural causes, like heart attacks, strokes, being run over by tractors, and "loneliness because we never came to visit," but I was really surprised at how many grandparents were felled by shotgun blasts to the face or rifle rounds to the back of the head. Basically, if you have a 7th grade aged grandchild who is living in the state of Idaho...you are living on borrowed time, Gramps.Some of my favorite lines from dead-grandparent essays included...
"Grandmas are the only people who can make everything better."
"When my grandpa died I felt like all the light in the world was gone."
"Today I will tell you about all of my grandpa's executions and I will inaugurate talking about how tender he was" (I think the kid meant to use the words "accomplishments" and "begin" but had a little trouble using the thesaurus...)
"I would love to see my grandpa again. He was a loving, caring, grump."
"I am named after my grandma and I want to grow up to look just like her. But not right away. I don't want to be a really old fart yet."
I really, really love my job.
4 comments:
I love it, love it, love it!!! So freaking funny! I remember writing my 7th/8th grade essay about an invention; I wrote about the telephone, and couldn't think of the inventor, so I totally made up some story. I'm sure the graders laughed their tushies off about that. Those are great stories.
K, so I had to stop reading your post because I couldn't see/breathe because I was laughing too hard. For like fifteen minutes. Poor Idaho Grandparents who had to take some hot lead in the back of the head. I can't believe kids would write about that. Supposing its true. Good times. Oh yeah this is Spencer's brother-in-law stalking your blog.
Hahahaha! OH, that is so funny!!! And consider yourself blessed - Pete doesn't usually comment. I guess you're cool enough for a Pete Comment! :) So this is hilarious, but at the same time, kind of sad...
kids are so funny! I remember reading written tests for the state of Maine. It sounds like it was a lot like the Idaho Direct Writing Assessment, but they were short paragraphs instead of essays. My favorite one was some kid teling me that they hadn't had their coffee yet and were really hungry for some teddy grahams. That's it. Nothing at ALL about the question :). Yea, kids are funny :)
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