While The Branch President Is Away...

The branch will... slowly slip into apostasy.

Just Kidding!

I think!

Earlier this week, our Branch President loaded up his lovely wife and charming daughter and drove them half way across the country to visit one of his actual children...leaving us "branch children" in the capable hands of the Barkers. I thought that there was a chance that the Jones might check my blog so I put together a little "Branch Update" for them.

On Monday, we all got together for FHE.
Lacey, a.k.a. our fearless Relief Society president was late (more on that later) . While we were waiting for Lacey to show up (it is against branch by-laws to start any meeting before the RS prez.arrives) , Jessica started getting a little hyper and ended up spitting gum into sweet Sister Barker's hair.

Jessica claimed she didn't do it, but there were several witnesses who caught her red-handed. Hiatt was one of those witnesses and he even demonstrated how wide his eyes were open at the time of the incident.
But even with wide-eyed witnesses like Hiatt testifying against her, Jessica wouldn't admit her guilt. Randy, a third grade teacher who spends more than a little time removing gum from various body parts, had become deeply disturbed by Sister Barker's predicament, so he jumped up and and proceeded to deliver a fiery sermon titled, "Truth Teller's Go to Heaven, But Liars Go To Heck" ("Heck" of course is the 3rd grade approved word for "Hades" which is the 7th grade approved word the place that 2nd Nephi tells us that liars go).

Things calmed down a little when Lacey showed up, but the calm didn't last long. Tricia volunteered to conduct the opening song, but then got a little perturbed when she found out the Jones family wasn't here.

"Wait, wait, wait," Tricia said, "the Joneses are gone?!?!? Who is going to shake my hand or tell me how cute my hair looks?!?!?"

When we told her that the Joneses had gone to visit their daughter, things got really tense. Tricia, overcome by feelings of abandonment, started whipping out her stealthy ninja moves.

And when she found out how long the Joneses were going to be gone, she really lost it. Thankfully the Elder's quorum had just had their quarterly lesson on how to deal with irate Relief Society sisters, so many injuries (and a great deal of property damage) were avoided.

Wednesday was institute, but without President Jones's daughter Kristy in attendance, only Zealanda thought it necessary to show up. Institute just isn't institute without Kristy, so when the Laurels and Priests came in for their "institute orientation", all Zealanda and I could do was sob quietly into our scriptures.

A few other interesting things have happened while the Joneses have been gone...

Remember how I mentioned that Lacey was late for FHE? Well, the reason for her tardiness was that she was using her professional nursing skills to save the life of some big wig from Washington DC.


He was so grateful that he decided the only appropriate way to thank her was to put her face on the newest crop of quarters.

And Lacey wasn't the only one being memorialized in a big way. Brother Barker has been a government employee for quite some time now, but with the economy down like it is, the BLM has had to find non-monetary ways to compensate their dedicated workers. Since the stimulus package was providing money for more public works anyway, they decided to kill two birds with one really big stone.

And without the Joneses here to counsel with us, some branch members have made some, shall we say "unfortunate" career choices.

Zealanda decided to give up teaching to become a pirate...

...Sister Barker left her local students to become the first intergalactic piano teacher...

...and Josh sold his Taekwondo studio and became a sith lord.

And I won't even try to tell you about what the Hobson's have been up to. We are saving all of the newspapers articles for the Joneses, but if they watch CNN with any regularity, they might already know.

So if you are reading this Joneses...know that you are missed. A lot.

And we are going to have a lot to talk about when you get home...