A Ghost in the Machine?

A few weeks ago, my dvd player stopped working. It's demise wasn't really a shock; I have had it for over ten years and the vhs side of the machine had quit vhs-ing a few years back. The problem was that there was still a dvd IN the machine when it gave up the ghost, and it was a dvd that I really like.

So, since the whole thing was headed for the trash heap anyway, I decided to grab my screwdriver and rescue my dvd from the wreckage.

(You just can't type "trash heap" without including a shout-out to Fraggel Rock!)

Taking the player apart was actually pretty darn fun. I felt like quite the handy (wo)Manny, until I popped the front cover piece off and found...

... a dead spider.

After taking a few moments to react appropriately to this discovery (shrieking, throwing the cover/spider tomb across the room, more shrieking, spraying the all ready dead spider with half a can of bug spray), I collected myself, continued the operation, and rescued the dvd. Mission Accomplished.

I know that the spider's corpse wasn't the cause of the dvd players malfunction, but the gruesome discovery has made me a little jumpy.

 I already know that there are spider carcasses inside my hallway light fixture, (which means I will have to move when those light bulbs burn out) so where else might there be spiders lurking?

Has my Wii, which has similar elements to a dvd player, become an arachnid apartment? Is it safe to reach into my printer to change ink cartridges, or are there creepy crawlies hiding in its mechanical bowels?  My kitchen clock stopped this morning and, before grabbing a new battery, I reached for my best spider squishing shoe. And I am not even going to start on the nightmares I have had about my toaster.

Only time will tell if rescuing the series pilot of Inspector Lewis will be worth the arachnid anxiety it has caused. I am pretty sure that a new dvd would be a lot cheaper than therapy.

Old School Interactive Entertainment

Each semester, I try to explain Choose Your Own Adventure books to the creative writing kidlets. And it makes me feel old.

Trying to explain Choose Your Own Adventure books to the creative writing kidlets makes me feel old because 1)about half of the kidlets have never heard of them before 2) the kidlets who have heard about them always say something along the lines of "Oh yeah! I think my mom read those way back when she was in school!" and 3) I am actually pretty old.

Since this generation has grown up with interactive EVERYTHING, the kidlets aren't initially impressed with the idea of a story that changes depending on a reader's choices. Then they start reading the different endings... the different super tragic endings full of random plot twists and cheesy dialogue that could put a Sharknado sequel to shame. Once those kidlets have been eaten by a shark, or buried alive in an Egyptian tomb, or suffered amnesia after finding a treasure and rescuing their one true love, they are hooked. Nobody loves depressing ending and cheesy dialogue like junior high students (and junior high teachers).

But because the Choose Your Own Adventure format is unfamiliar to the little people (2nd person point of view and present tense verbs make their cute little brains itch), many need to read a bunch of examples before they feel ready to tackle stories of their own. And since reading real Choose Your Own Adventure books takes more time than we have, I wrote a couple of shorter examples for the kidlets to peruse before starting their own books.

The kidlets liked reading through my little example books, but growing class sizes and diminishing copy counts made it difficult to have enough booklets on hand for everyone to read through them at the same time. So, since we live in the computer lab for most of the adventure writing unit, I thought it would be nice if I could put the books online. And last week, I did it!

So if any of you end up with some time to kill (or have kildlet-sized offspring who might be interested) I have linked the sites for the first two stories below.

But if you are going to embark on a Choose Your Own Adventure, remember:

The Strange Case of the Kidnapped Kidlets

On the Run

A Fashion Tip and a New Song

What NOT to wear on the 4th of July...

... because, well, you know. 

In other news, all of my niblets who are participating in the summer challenge memorized half (or more) of their hymns/primary songs by the July 5th deadline, thereby earning a few rounds of laser tag at Blast Off. 

If you recall, the purpose of this summer's challenge is to get some important gospel principles ingrained in their cute little brains so that their cute little brains can recall those principles when needed. 

For example, imagine that a young person was engaged in some sort of competitive activity... playing laser tag, perhaps. If that young person had memorized some hymns or primary songs that taught the principles of kindness and Christ-like love, then he or she would be less likely to, I don't know, repeatedly shoot their aunt, even when she was on that young person's team?

Or not.

So in honor of the half-way prize to our summer hymn challenge, I have rewritten a hymn to teach a few other important principles.

The Laser Tag Song

(To be sung to the tune of "Behold! A Royal Army")

Behold a niblet army in laser tagging gear.

Don’t let their cuteness fool you, there’s plenty there to fear.

They earned this little outing by learning some Church songs,

But if you think that mellowed them, oh baby, you’d be wrong

Laser tag, laser tag! With tiny, spazzy niblets!

Laser tag, laser tag! There’s not one I can trust.

Who’d have thought laser tag could bring out,

Little people’s blood lust (blood lust)

They memorized some lyrics about service and love,

But put some weapons in their hands, they’ll push and yell and shove.

They can be sweet and caring. They like me, that’s a fact!

But when it comes down to it, they’d shoot me in the back.

Laser tag, laser tag! With tiny, spazzy niblets!

Laser tag, laser tag! There’s not one I can trust.

Who’d have thought laser tag could bring out,

Little people’s blood lust (blood lust)

I’d hoped that they’d learn doctrine, while doing something fun,

But all that doctrine vanished when they picked up those guns.

Oh sure, they claim to love me, but on the battlefield

Each one would gladly use me as their human shield.

Laser tag, laser tag! With tiny, spazzy niblets!

Laser tag, laser tag! There’s not one I can trust.

Who’d have thought laser tag could bring out,

Little people’s blood lust (blood lust)

(If you don't know/remember the tune, check out this handy-dandy sing-along video!)

Laser Tag Song from Mindy Haws on Vimeo.

The Book of Mindy: And My Kidlets Dwelt in Tents (or The Time I Ate an Ant at Girls' Camp)

The theme for The Other Stake's 2014 Girls Camp.

1. And it came to pass, at the closing of the school year, the Principal, even The Best Principal Ever, did make a proclamation throughout all the school that an awards assembly would be held.

2. And on the evening appointed for the honoring of the kidlets , all of the teachers, kidlets, and parents, did attend. Yea, even some siblings and grandparents did attend, even what appeared to Miss H as all the people in the land did gather themselves together in the Junior High Cafetorium.

Sister G and the Jr. Leaders sing a bee-related song with the girls.

3. And Miss H, notwithstanding her great fear of speaking in front of big people, did attend. And when Miss H did see that there was a great number of big people present, even so many that they could not be numbered except by the math teachers, Miss H was sore afraid.

Campers play a game using giant fly swatters.

4. But when the time of Miss H’s award presentation had passed, yea, when the rocks had been given to the chosen kidlets and she could once again retake her seat, then did Miss H’s fear abate, and her shaking did cease. And Miss H was joyful, for she knew that she would not have to speak at another awards ceremony for no less than twelve months.

A cute camper models a not-quite-thawed T-shirt her team successfully pulled apart during the frozen t-shirt game.

5. And she did take courage in that thought, and also in the prospect that she might be injured by a bus just before the next awards ceremony and by so doing she might escape having to speak in front of big people for yet another year. 

Valerie and Mindy lurk in the trees, startling unsuspecting kidlets.

6. And after the awards ceremony did end and all of the kidlets had received their awards, as Miss H was pondering ways to incur non-fatal bus-related injuries,  Sister G, even the president of the Young Women from THE OTHER STAKE, did appear unto Miss H. And the words that she spake unto Miss H were these:

7. “Behold, our stake girls camp doth quickly approach, and notwithstanding our great preparations, we are still without a speaker for the last night, yea, even a keynote speaker who can speak upon our theme. And this lack of a speaker hath greatly weighed upon our minds, therefore we have prayed many days that a speaker might be shown unto us. And behold, while driving home from Twin Falls today, it was made known unto me that thou might give a decent talk. Might thou be free on June 19^th?”

8. And it was in this manner that Sister G did invite Miss H to speak at girls camp. 

The cute themed bag and journal presented to me by the youth leaders. 

9. But Miss H, while being greatly flattered by the invitation (for behold, Miss H is easily flattered), did exclaim unto Sister G, “But behold, I am not a member of thy stake! For I live across Overland Avenue and therefore have been adopted into the Best, I mean WEST stake. How then mayest I speak at your girls camp?”

10. And Sister G did reply, “Worriest thou not for this thing. For behold, my Stake President will call thine Stake President and they shall work these things out amongst themselves and all shall be well. So now, cometh thou to our girls camp to speak?”

11. And Miss Haws, being greatly flattered by the invitation and having a deep and abiding love of girls camp, yea, and even because she was still on an adrenaline high from surviving the awards ceremony, she did accept the invitation.

The lanyard, complete with all of the week's recognition pins and clips, presented to me by the youth leaders.

12. And it came to pass that, later that night while talking to Valerie who is also of The Other Stake, even as the adrenaline high did abate, did Miss Haws realize what she had done.

13. And behold, she began to freak out.

The still-squirming, giant, disgusting, camp ant the girls caught for me to eat.

14. And she did exclaim unto Valerie, “Why did I say I would go up unto the girls camp to speak? For behold, the camp is in the woods far from Cowtown, and if I should try to find it I will get lost in the desert and surly die! For I know that I will get lost, and when I pull over to the side of the road to cry bitter tears over my lostness, then shall a bear attack my car and eat me. For behold, I am delicious unto bears.”

15. And Valerie, her friend and fellow teacher, did speak unto her words of comfort, saying, “Fear not, for behold I know the way to camp, and I will driveth thou and go with thee unto the camp, and I will also surely bring thee up again, that thou will not be eaten by a bear, even no creature larger than a mosquito shall taste thee.”

Me eating the ant.

16. And Miss H did thank Valerie, but even in the moment of giving the thanks, she did realize that, in speaking to the girls, she would also have to speak unto their leaders and their Bishops and their Bishop’s wives, yea she would have to speak to all manner of big people.

17. And suddenly the thought of being eaten by a bear did become less objectionable, yea, when compared to speaking to such a group, being eaten by a bear did become by far the better option.

18. And it came to pass that, after much preparation and much stressing and many calls to her parents who were likewise known for their speaking abilities, the talk was written and the day wherein Valerie and Miss H would depart unto the girls camp did arrive.

Me, almost throwing up, while eating the ant.

19. And they took their journey from Cowtown and came into the wilderness of Pinedale, on the nineteenth day after the departing of the Kidlets from the school.

20. And when Miss H and Valerie did arrive at the place of the camp, they did watch the girls as they engaged in camp related activities. And when the campers saw that their teachers had thus come up, they were startled.  And they did say unto each other:

21. “Behold, whyfore have our teachers  appeared thusly in the woods? Behold, the randomness of their presence doth confuse and confound us.” And after this manner did the camping kidlets speak amongst themselves. 

Me, trying to make sure no pieces of the ant lingered in my mouth.

22. And in the course of time, did the junior leaders, even the Youth Stake Leaders, bear gifts to Miss Haws to thank her for traveling unto the wilderness to speak unto them. And with the gifts, they did present a lanyard which was heavy laden with pins and clips of recognition for deeds that the campers had been accomplishing during the week.

Me and some sweet(?) kidlets showing off our officially earned ant-eating awards.

23. And Miss H did admire the lanyard and was grateful for it, until she did notice one such clip that was given in recognition for eating an ant, even a large, live, crunchy ant of the forest variety. And Miss H did ask the kidlets the meaning of these things.

24. And the kidlets did say unto Miss H, “Behold, the eating of a large, live, crunch ant of the forest variety is a tradition among our people. And although we can tell thee not WHY this has become a tradition in our stake, we can tell thee that the eating of a large, live, crunch ant of the forest variety earns the eater there of great respect and recognition, which is symbolized by the clip.”

The youth leaders sing a song on stage to kick off stake/bishop's night.

25. And although Miss H did not understand this tradition, she did see that it was of great worth unto the girls of this stake. And Miss H did seek to remove the clip from her lanyard, and did tell the kidlets that, having not partaken of a large, live, crunchy an , did not feel worthy to wear the clip.

26. But the kidlets, possibly seeking revenge for the great number of essays they had been forced to write during the year, did say unto Miss H, “Why should thou remove the clip, when it would be just as easy for you to retain the clip and wear it with pride, after having eating a large, live, crunchy ant of the forest variety?”

27. And Miss H, not wanting to lose the respect of the kidlets, did give into peer pressure and did lift up her eyes and exclaim, “Behold, I am a stranger in a strange stake wherein ants are eaten. Therefore, bring unto me an ant, even a large, live, crunchy ant of the forest variety and I shall eat it.”

The stake leaders keep with the "be" theme sporting beehives for a musical presentation during stake/bishop's night.

28. And there went forth a beehive of the 8^th ward, and she did bring forth an ant. And the kidlets did look upon the ant and they did see that it was large, and alive, and appeared quite crunchy. And they did present the ant to Miss H, and they did invite her to eat of the ant.

29. And Miss H did look upon the ant and she did regret her words, yea, she regretted her words that she would eat the ant and also the words that she should come to the camp at all. And she did cast her eyes around her in hopes of seeing a hungry bear, that she might be consumed by the bear instead of thusly consuming the ant.

30. But alas, no bears were in sight. So the kidelts did place the ant, while it was still alive into a bite-sized Snickers bar. And they did give the Snickers to Miss H. And as the ant did try to escape the Snickers bar, Miss H did eat it.

31. And behold, it was gross. And Miss H did struggle mightily not to vomit. But Miss H did not vomit, but did earn the respect of the campers to whom she was to speak that night. 

Bishops (or their counselors) are honored before competing in the Bishops' Challenge events.

32. And when she did speak that night, all was well. For behold, after eating a large, living, crunchy ant of the forest variety, speaking to big people did become less terrifying unto her.

33. For behold, after eating an ant, how can thou have any fear of something so simple as speaking? Unless thou hast the large black leg of an ant stuck between thy teeth as thou speaketh. For that would indeed be upsetting. 

The campers watch the Bishops' Challenge, unaware that their speaker is in the biffy trying to floss ant legs out of her teeth before taking the stand. 

The Book of Mindy: The Battle of the Sunbeams

So I know that I posted this a few years back, but when I was putting together a blog book, I discovered that it had somehow been reverted back to a draft. So here it is again so that it can go in the book with the rest of my Church-related posts.
Enjoy!


1. And now behold, I give unto you the parable of the Sunbeams.
2. In an afar off land, there dwelled a teacher of ‘tweens, known well for her humorous stories and handouts, yea, even her misspelled handouts.
3. And the teacher, being a teacher, had taught many lessons in the course of her days and had found much success therein.
4. But, notwithstanding the many lessons she had taught as to the dangers of pride, the teacher did allow her success to render her over-confident, and she began to be lifted up in her abilities to teach the multitudes.
5. But behold, I will show unto you the wisdom of the Lord in causing the high things of the earth to be brought low, and causing the proud, yea, even the most prideful of teachers, to be humbled unto the dust by children in a primary class named after floating, illuminated dust.

6. For it came to pass that, as the teacher did celebrate the days of her summer break by going to the bathroom whenever she hath the need, her phone did begin to ring.
7. And great was the ringing thereof.
8. And the teacher did go forth from her bathroom, and she did answer the phone. And the teacher did hear the voice of the Primary President calling out unto her, saying…
9. “Dear sister! I call unto you this day with a tale of great sorrow. For behold, our Sunbeam teacher hath gone away on a great journey and hath left the Sunbeams alone with no one to instruct them.”
10. And the teacher did agree with the Primary President that these were indeed sorrowful tidings. And the Primary President did continue to speak unto the teacher, saying…
11. “Seeing as how thou hath been called to the stake and are therefore useless unto this ward, yea even as useless as a flashlight is unto a blind man, wouldst thou be willing to instruct these Sunbeams for one Sunday upon the principles of family prayer?”
12. And the teacher, hearing the sorrow in the voice of the Primary President, did agree to instruct the Sunbeams for the length of one Sunday.
13. But the teacher had never before instructed creatures as small as the Sunbeams, and was therefore unsure of their lesson comprehension abilities. So the teacher did consider calling out to her mother for guidance, but her mother hath been called to lead the girls camp in an afar off land.
14. And my mother dwelt in a tent.

15. And it came to pass that the week did pass by swiftly, even as swiftly as an Elder’s Quorum President doth lose his shorts while being dragged by a power boat, until the day did arrive that had been set apart for the teaching of the gospel unto all people, including the Sunbeams.
16. And on that day, at the appointed time, did the teacher go forth unto the church house with her lesson and with her visual aids, firm in the knowledge that she would be able to instruct the Sunbeams in a most pleasing manner.
17. And it came to pass that, after the opening exercises had been completed, the teacher did follow the Sunbeams down the hall and into the room that had been prepared for their instruction.
18. And all of the Sunbeams did find their appointed seats, and they did put their bottoms in those appointed seats, and when the teacher saw that every bottom had been placed in a seat, she was glad and did she did inwardly rejoice at the easiness of the way.
19. But behold, as soon as the teacher had commenced teaching, yea, even the very moment she had begun to speak, did one of the Sunbeams call out unto her and announce before the whole class that she had a great need to make wee-wee.
20. And the teacher, being one who spends 3/4ths of her life unable to go to the bathroom whenever she hath the need, did have pity upon the Sunbeam and did allow her to depart unto the bathroom.
21. And when the Sunbeam had departed, the teacher did again begin to teach the lesson.

22. But as she began teaching, another Sunbeam did call out unto her to ask if she had brought treats to give unto him and his fellow Sunbeams. And when the teacher did tell him that she had not brought treats, the Sunbeam did proceed to pick his nose and eat what he found therein as if it were a treat.
23. And soon after that Sunbeam did begin feasting upon the contents of his nose, did another Sunbeam fall off his chair, yea, and for no discernable reason. And as the teacher attempted to help that Sunbeam regain his seat another Sunbeam removed her tiny shoe, and she spoke to the shoe as if it were her dearest friend. But the teacher was not discouraged and did continue to teach the lesson.
24. And it came to pass that, when the time came, the teacher did ask a question unto the Sunbeams, and the Sunbeams did raise their arms and did wave their snot-covered fingers and their shoes in the air and did beg to answer the question.
25. But when the teacher called on one Sunbeam, he did not answer the question, but instead told about his neighbor’s dog. So the teacher, still seeking an answer to the question she had asked, called upon another Sunbeam. But this Sunbeam told instead about her grandmother’s cat and the contents of its litter box.
26. And notwithstanding the teacher’s attempts to talk with the Sunbeams about family prayer, the remainder of the Sunbeams could not be dissuaded from sharing stories of animals and of grandparents and of poop.

27. And after the sixth or seventh story about poop, the teacher did remember the first sunbeam who had left the class and departed unto the bathroom. For behold, much time had passed since her departure and the teacher did begin to worry, for the bathroom was only five steps across the hall.
28. So the teacher did set up a game of family-prayer-picture-matching for the remaining Sunbeams and did set out to find the missing child.
29. And when the teacher entered the bathroom, she did find the Sunbeam there, pushing against the door, for the Sunbeam was small and had not the strength to push open the door. Yea, and she had been trapped in the bathroom for the space of many minutes.
30. And after the teacher did liberate the captive Sunbeam, she did return to the room where she did behold the remaining Sunbeams. And the remaining Sunbeams had finished the game of matching and had opened the classroom window, and were pushing the matching cards out the window, except for those cards that were being eaten by the same Sunbeam who had apparently run out of nose-based snack items.
31. And in such a manner did the remainder of the class time progress, with Sunbeams standing on chairs and talking to shoes and loudly declaring their individual and collective needs to make wee-wee.

32. And in a like manner did the Sunbeams behave during Sharing Time and Singing Time, until the two hours of primary were accomplished and the Sunbeams were released into the hallway to run screaming into the chapel and the pews of their parents.
33. And the teacher did also attend Sacrament meeting, but in a state of shock, and did spend the meeting repenting of her prideful thoughts and words and actions.
34. And thus we see that by small and simple means, even by the smallest of the primary children, are great things brought to pass.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Homely: The Movie from Mindy Haws on Vimeo.

Because I Can't Go Three Months and Not Give Homework or Quizzes...

It's Summer Challenge Time!

This summer, the eldest seven of my ten niblets will be memorizing hymns or primary songs (depending on how old they are, or how NOT old they are, as the case may be). 

At stake: Laser Tag, Dinner Out at a Restaurant, and (if they learn a bonus hymn.song) a New Book.

Will the niblets be able to memorize their assignments on time? Will they know them well enough to pass a test written by their really strange aunt? And perhaps most importantly, will they wisely decide not to shoot at said strange aunt while laser tagging? 

Those are all excellent questions, and I am sure we will uncover the corresponding answers in the coming weeks, but seeing as how it is summer time and I have NO PAPERS TO GRADE, I am going to go take a nap.