The Book of Mindy: The Battle of the Sunbeams

So I know that I posted this a few years back, but when I was putting together a blog book, I discovered that it had somehow been reverted back to a draft. So here it is again so that it can go in the book with the rest of my Church-related posts.
Enjoy!


1. And now behold, I give unto you the parable of the Sunbeams.
2. In an afar off land, there dwelled a teacher of ‘tweens, known well for her humorous stories and handouts, yea, even her misspelled handouts.
3. And the teacher, being a teacher, had taught many lessons in the course of her days and had found much success therein.
4. But, notwithstanding the many lessons she had taught as to the dangers of pride, the teacher did allow her success to render her over-confident, and she began to be lifted up in her abilities to teach the multitudes.
5. But behold, I will show unto you the wisdom of the Lord in causing the high things of the earth to be brought low, and causing the proud, yea, even the most prideful of teachers, to be humbled unto the dust by children in a primary class named after floating, illuminated dust.

6. For it came to pass that, as the teacher did celebrate the days of her summer break by going to the bathroom whenever she hath the need, her phone did begin to ring.
7. And great was the ringing thereof.
8. And the teacher did go forth from her bathroom, and she did answer the phone. And the teacher did hear the voice of the Primary President calling out unto her, saying…
9. “Dear sister! I call unto you this day with a tale of great sorrow. For behold, our Sunbeam teacher hath gone away on a great journey and hath left the Sunbeams alone with no one to instruct them.”
10. And the teacher did agree with the Primary President that these were indeed sorrowful tidings. And the Primary President did continue to speak unto the teacher, saying…
11. “Seeing as how thou hath been called to the stake and are therefore useless unto this ward, yea even as useless as a flashlight is unto a blind man, wouldst thou be willing to instruct these Sunbeams for one Sunday upon the principles of family prayer?”
12. And the teacher, hearing the sorrow in the voice of the Primary President, did agree to instruct the Sunbeams for the length of one Sunday.
13. But the teacher had never before instructed creatures as small as the Sunbeams, and was therefore unsure of their lesson comprehension abilities. So the teacher did consider calling out to her mother for guidance, but her mother hath been called to lead the girls camp in an afar off land.
14. And my mother dwelt in a tent.

15. And it came to pass that the week did pass by swiftly, even as swiftly as an Elder’s Quorum President doth lose his shorts while being dragged by a power boat, until the day did arrive that had been set apart for the teaching of the gospel unto all people, including the Sunbeams.
16. And on that day, at the appointed time, did the teacher go forth unto the church house with her lesson and with her visual aids, firm in the knowledge that she would be able to instruct the Sunbeams in a most pleasing manner.
17. And it came to pass that, after the opening exercises had been completed, the teacher did follow the Sunbeams down the hall and into the room that had been prepared for their instruction.
18. And all of the Sunbeams did find their appointed seats, and they did put their bottoms in those appointed seats, and when the teacher saw that every bottom had been placed in a seat, she was glad and did she did inwardly rejoice at the easiness of the way.
19. But behold, as soon as the teacher had commenced teaching, yea, even the very moment she had begun to speak, did one of the Sunbeams call out unto her and announce before the whole class that she had a great need to make wee-wee.
20. And the teacher, being one who spends 3/4ths of her life unable to go to the bathroom whenever she hath the need, did have pity upon the Sunbeam and did allow her to depart unto the bathroom.
21. And when the Sunbeam had departed, the teacher did again begin to teach the lesson.

22. But as she began teaching, another Sunbeam did call out unto her to ask if she had brought treats to give unto him and his fellow Sunbeams. And when the teacher did tell him that she had not brought treats, the Sunbeam did proceed to pick his nose and eat what he found therein as if it were a treat.
23. And soon after that Sunbeam did begin feasting upon the contents of his nose, did another Sunbeam fall off his chair, yea, and for no discernable reason. And as the teacher attempted to help that Sunbeam regain his seat another Sunbeam removed her tiny shoe, and she spoke to the shoe as if it were her dearest friend. But the teacher was not discouraged and did continue to teach the lesson.
24. And it came to pass that, when the time came, the teacher did ask a question unto the Sunbeams, and the Sunbeams did raise their arms and did wave their snot-covered fingers and their shoes in the air and did beg to answer the question.
25. But when the teacher called on one Sunbeam, he did not answer the question, but instead told about his neighbor’s dog. So the teacher, still seeking an answer to the question she had asked, called upon another Sunbeam. But this Sunbeam told instead about her grandmother’s cat and the contents of its litter box.
26. And notwithstanding the teacher’s attempts to talk with the Sunbeams about family prayer, the remainder of the Sunbeams could not be dissuaded from sharing stories of animals and of grandparents and of poop.

27. And after the sixth or seventh story about poop, the teacher did remember the first sunbeam who had left the class and departed unto the bathroom. For behold, much time had passed since her departure and the teacher did begin to worry, for the bathroom was only five steps across the hall.
28. So the teacher did set up a game of family-prayer-picture-matching for the remaining Sunbeams and did set out to find the missing child.
29. And when the teacher entered the bathroom, she did find the Sunbeam there, pushing against the door, for the Sunbeam was small and had not the strength to push open the door. Yea, and she had been trapped in the bathroom for the space of many minutes.
30. And after the teacher did liberate the captive Sunbeam, she did return to the room where she did behold the remaining Sunbeams. And the remaining Sunbeams had finished the game of matching and had opened the classroom window, and were pushing the matching cards out the window, except for those cards that were being eaten by the same Sunbeam who had apparently run out of nose-based snack items.
31. And in such a manner did the remainder of the class time progress, with Sunbeams standing on chairs and talking to shoes and loudly declaring their individual and collective needs to make wee-wee.

32. And in a like manner did the Sunbeams behave during Sharing Time and Singing Time, until the two hours of primary were accomplished and the Sunbeams were released into the hallway to run screaming into the chapel and the pews of their parents.
33. And the teacher did also attend Sacrament meeting, but in a state of shock, and did spend the meeting repenting of her prideful thoughts and words and actions.
34. And thus we see that by small and simple means, even by the smallest of the primary children, are great things brought to pass.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Homely: The Movie from Mindy Haws on Vimeo.

Because I Can't Go Three Months and Not Give Homework or Quizzes...

It's Summer Challenge Time!

This summer, the eldest seven of my ten niblets will be memorizing hymns or primary songs (depending on how old they are, or how NOT old they are, as the case may be). 

At stake: Laser Tag, Dinner Out at a Restaurant, and (if they learn a bonus hymn.song) a New Book.

Will the niblets be able to memorize their assignments on time? Will they know them well enough to pass a test written by their really strange aunt? And perhaps most importantly, will they wisely decide not to shoot at said strange aunt while laser tagging? 

Those are all excellent questions, and I am sure we will uncover the corresponding answers in the coming weeks, but seeing as how it is summer time and I have NO PAPERS TO GRADE, I am going to go take a nap. 

Wherein the Kidlets Meet a Kid and Discover How Much They Have in Common

Being a rural school marm for nigh on ten years now, I have gotten pretty used to having experiences of an agricultural nature. Just this week I read a poem extolling the virtues of John Deere vs. Case tractors, scored one speech about saddling a horse for barrel riding and another about calve roping, and had a student dress up as a rodeo clown for career day.

The animal husbandry highlight of the week happened early, though, when this little guy got to spend Monday roaming around the school.

It seems that the goat's momma had died in childbirth (goatbirth?), and needed to be bottle-fed every two hours. His owner/our science teacher had arranged for a goat-sitter for the rest of the week, but couldn't find anyone to take the fuzzy little thing on Monday. So he came to school where he was loved and adored by the kidlets.

If you ever want to see some eighth grade boys who think they are tough, grown up, manly punks squeal like six-year-old girls at a princess party, just hand them a two day old goat.  

A few times during the day, parents or other visitors would catch sight of the little critter, prompting them to ask the principal what a goat was doing in the building. Our principal rotated tales, telling some people that we were changing our school mascot and telling others that we were helping the sheriff's office train the newest addition to their drug-sniffing-animals squad.

At the end of the day, as the 8th grade boys were finishing up taking selfies with the goat, I told Mr. Anderson that he should cancel the goat-sitter and just bring the little guy to school for the rest of the year. He nixed that idea, saying it wasn't a good idea to keep an animal like that at school. I replied, "The eighth graders are fuzzy, smelly, messy, and eat all sorts of things they shouldn't, but we let them stay." He laughed and admitted there was some truth to that, but then added that the 8th graders don't poop in the floor.

I can see his point, but I am going to check with the custodians. If it turns out that the kidlets spread just as much manure around as the fuzzy little chocolate chip maker (our principal's technical term for baby goats), I am going to petition to have it come back for the last few days. I think those big, tough 8th grade boys could do with a little more squealing and melting before they head over to the big scary high school for 9th grade.

Itsy Bitsy Biblical Scholars

A few weekends ago, I made a quick visit to the land of my nativity to see my most babiest of brothers, his sweet wife, my Idaho niblets, their sweet mom, and my elderly parents. It was a busy 24 hours full of fun adventures, but the most fun by far had to be our trip to the zoo.

Kenna and Kylie spent their formative years exploring the zoo, so once they got through the gates they were pretty much just blurs as they ran from exhibit to exhibit, checking on all of their old pals. They LOVE the zoo.

 Kristie, on the other hand, was seeing the zoo for the first time. She did a lot of looking around and seemed to do a lot of deep thinking. Since the only other animals she has spent time with have been her siblings, perhaps she was pondering the idea of using cages at home? You can almost hear her thinking, "Hey....that could work!"

And then there was Bubba.

The Mighty Bubbs seemed to have a great time (especially once his good behavior earned him early parole from the back-pack-leash-of-shame), until we got to the lions. Instead of hollering to the animals and trying to get the closest view possible like he had at every other exhibit, Bubba held his tongue and kept his distance.

His mom picked him up so he could get a better view, then she said something to the effect of, "Aren't those lions neat?" But Bubbs vigorously shook his head in disagreement. In the photo below, she is trying to convince him that the lions are "nice", while he is adamantly disagreeing, "They are MEAN!"

I thought it was kind of funny that the lions made Fearless Bubba nervous. Later that day, I wondered aloud if Spider Man or Iron Man had ever faced off against lions in any of the cartoons the little guy likes to watch. Perhaps one of his heroes getting a sound beating from a lion could convince Bubba that they were bad?

It wasn't until I was driving home the next morning when another thought struck me upside the head. I remembered that Bubba wasn't Bubba's ACTUAL name! His real name is DANIEL, which put me onto a whole other train of thought. I started to wonder if, perhaps, the story of Daniel in the Lion's den had been mentioned in nursery recently?

Or, more likely perhaps, had his older sisters learned the story in primary and then retold it to their little brother... maybe late at night in their darkened room. Might they have"forgotten" to specify that it was a particular Daniel who got tossed into the lions' den, or"accidentally"  implied that ALL Daniels are favorite chew toys of that particular breed of cat? That might explain his reaction at the zoo.

And there is precedent in our family for older siblings getting a little confused when it comes to younger siblings with biblical names.

Case in point: When I went to help out at Jenny and John's for a week after Jonah was born, little Bentley can home from Sunbeams and informed me that we need to go outside and "Kill the Whaley Fish." Being the intelligent and articulate woman that I am, I responded, "Huh?"

Bentley then went on to explain that in primary he had learned that the Whaley Fish wanted to eat his new baby. So, because Bentley is a good big brother and I am an easily amused aunt, we grabbed some weapons and headed outside where we kept watch for that sneaky, baby-eating Whaley Fish. 

We might never know if Daniel was adverse to the lions because he was worried he might end up in the same hairy situation as his biblical namesake, or if he was just remembering that Spider Man had  gotten his behind kicked by a cartoon lion at some point. But either way, it made for a pretty funny conversation to watch at the lion exhibit. 

And at least he doesn't have a problem with stone lions. 

Which one is really the King of Beasts?

For My Nephews

The English kidlets have spent the past week weeks studying Greek mythology... one of their favorite topics. We spent a few class periods putting Theseus on trial for one count of regicide in the death of the Minotaur (a 1/2 prince of Crete),  spousal abandonment (he "accidentally" left his wife of 14 hours on a nearly deserted island), and involuntarily patricide in this death of his father, King Aegeus of Athens (who threw himself to his death off of a rocky cliff because Theseus had another forgetful moment.) We also held an appeals trial for Prometheus who felt that his punishment (being chained to a mountain for eternity and having a giant vulture rip out his liver every single day) was cruel and unusual and didn't fit his crimes (disobeying Zeus, theft of fire, and reckless endangerment of the lives of humans). 

The myth trials (formulating and supporting arguments... and some brilliant acting) is pretty intensive, so for the last day or so we finished out our mythology unit by creating our own constellations and writing myths to explain them. The kidlets have done such a great job, I couldn't resist sharing some of them with my mythology-interested nephews. I wish I could post ALL of the kid's myths... but I don't know that the niblets could make it though 85 of them. So here are some that I thought Bentley, Max and Joe might enjoy.

 One day, an old man named Victor Mills was inventing Pampers: a kind of soft, comfortable diaper that a baby could wear. Eros, the god of love, (also known as Cupid) wears a cloth that is itchy and uncomfortable. So he came to Victor and said, “Could you make me a diaper that would be fit for a God?” So Victor invented Pull Ups. Eros thanked him and put his wonderful invention in the sky as a constellation. (C.H.)

The [Cowtown] Bobcats softball team was the finest softball team in the land. They played over 50 tournaments every year. One day, Zeus decided to come down from Mount Olympus to watch the Bobcats play in their very last tournament of the year. Zeus got the best seat, which was directly behind home plate. He loved how quick and aggressive they were while they were playing. When the Bobcats bit the softball, it reminded Zeus of the sound his lightning bolts made when he hurled them at humans. Zeus thought that softball was a pretty great sport, so he decided that he would put a glistening constellation of a softball in the sky to honor it. (A.L.)

 When the great Zeus created the first penguin, he was so pleased with himself that he decided to keep it with him at Mount Olympus. Hera, however, was not pleased with Zeus’s creation. You see, Zeus paid absolutely no attention to his wife after getting his penguin. Hera did everything she could to get rid of that annoying creature. She took away the penguins’ power of flight, and even banished the penguin’s family to the coldest part of the world. But however hard she tried, the penguin wasn't phased by any of the misfortunes she cast on him. Finally, Zeus realized what was happening to his little friend and he stopped Hera from doing any more harm. To remind his wife of her great failure, Zeus put a picture of his amazing penguin in the highest sky. (K.W.)

One rainy day, Poseidon and Zeus were making ran and lighting when Poseidon heard a wave…but in a weird place: an Athenian home. Poseidon went down to investigate. He disguised himself as a plumber and said that Athenian’s water system was “unique”, so they gladly let him in. He went into the bathroom to see the thing that was making the wave sound, but he didn’t know what the thing was. Poseidon asked, confused, “What is this remarkable work of porcelain that is fit for even the mighty lord Poseidon?” The Athenian answered, “We call it the potty, the porcelain throne, or , as it is more widely known, the toilet. Poseidon was mesmerized by how this mechanism could summon and cast off water with the flick of a wrist. Poseidon had to thank these people for what they made. He finally tool off his disguise, stole their toilet, and put it in the sky next to Aquarius. (C.F.)

Don't Worry, I'm Not Going to Quit My Day Job

About two weeks ago, the DJ who had been booked for the junior high's Spring dance called to say she wouldn't be able to come. The Spring dance is the much-anticipated last dance of the year, and it had already been postponed once, so the student council advisers decided to take drastic action.

The decided to ask me to be the DJ.

And I said yes.

When I said yes, I have to admit that I was picturing myself kind of like this...

...or maybe a little more like this...

But the more I thought about it, I realized that the kidlets would probably see me more like this...

And then I started to panic a little.

I mean, I think I am pretty cool.

And the kids seem to think I am pretty cool ... for a teacher. 

But being a pretty cool teacher is not in the same zip code as being a pretty cool DJ.

Then I realized that I have spent the last ten years scoring coolness points with the kidlets, but one afternoon as a lame DJ at the last dance of the year could totally bankrupt me in the coolness department. It would take years to recover my reputation. 

So then I started to panic a little more. 

That second wave of panic led to this box being taped to the wall in the lunchroom for a week.

I thought that if the kidlets requested songs for the dance and I played the songs they requested, I could bask in their reflected coolness...

 ... and if they decided the music was lame, I could totally blame it on them. 

Then, in an attempt to give them something to focus on besides the music, I put together a video using photos and video clips the yearbook kids gathered over the year.

And then I worried some more.

But I am pleased to announce that the dance was yesterday and I seem to have survived with my reputation intact. I am still pretty cool... for a teacher.

The student council and art classes put together some awesome decorations.

And plenty of kidlets showed up.

Some of them even danced!

 I ended up having a pretty good time choosing tunes, taking requests, and using the microphone to encourage the kids to show off their sweet moves. 

I also managed to get almost all of my 2B creative writing classes final poetry projects graded.

I'd like to see a professional DJ manage that in a dark room with super loud music while counseling lovelorn 8th graders.