Fiction or NonFiction?

 At the end of every semester, I have the creative writing survivors write letters of advice to next semester's kidlets. The letters must contain pieces of actual advice and fictional advice. Last week, just before I had the fiction vs. nonfiction discussion with my newest group of kidlets, I gave them each a few letters to peruse. Some of the pieces of advice were so fun, I thought I would share them. Junior high brains work in weird, wonderful ways. Enjoy!

Dear Little Child, You have chosen Creative Writing. Should you be scared? Yes. First of all, there is a huge mutant badger who lives in the ceiling. Do not fall asleep. He will eat your feet and you will never be able to walk again. 

I recommend smearing honey and sugar on your feet before you come to class. The sweet smell keeps Earl at bay. 

Miss H doesn’t like 0.9 lead, so never use it when you write in class. I knew this kid who tried to write a story in 0.9 lead and he still isn’t out of the hospital. 

CAUTION! Miss H’s creative writing class is full of weirdness! 

By the end of the year, Miss H will have educated you on Doctor Who, Sherlock, Harry Potter, and many other fandoms. She might even talk about creative writing sometimes. If you want to stay on her good side, complement her on her fez. She loves her fez. 

Don’t ever try to cheat in this class. Miss H’s flying monkeys are always watching and they will rat you out!

Whenever you come into the classroom you must hokie-pokie around the room; no more, no less.

Be careful never to mention One Direction because Miss H gets really sad that Zayne left.

Don’t talk when Miss H is talking or she will sick her mo-bats on you. Also bring pizza every Friday to keep the real bats happy.

The more you write in creative writing, the better you will get at it! Just don’t do it during math. Math teachers don’t care if you are creative or not. 

Always remember to put a space between a and lot. If you write it “alot" Miss H will give you a long boring lecture that takes up the whole class period. Also, shower after PE because ‘tweens need to shower…especially the ones sitting by me in creative writing right now!

Don’t be fooled by the Ironman cutout in the back of the room. He looks like cardboard but he comes to life on occasional Tuesdays in December and May.

Do NOT give in to peer pressure…unless it is GOOD peer pressure. Then, honey, grab it like it’s your sweetheart on a fine summer day.

Always write your name on your paper. If you don’t, many bad, horrible, unthinkable things could happen to you. For example, Miss H’s werewolf boyfriend will attack you! He resides in the closet in the back of the room and, trust me, he is scary!

In this class you will be writing a lot of stories and my advice is to choose the weirdest story ideas possible.

Miss H hates hamsters, so don’t talk about them… EVER! But she loves Doctor Who, so always complement her on her fez.

Never start singing the State Farm commercial (Discount Double Check! Discount Double Check!) because she will call the police and tell them that you are working with terrorists to get a hold of nuclear missiles.

Be sure to put your name on all of your assignments, or they will end up in Miss H’s Charitable Home for Abandoned Papers and you may never see them again. Another thing you need to know is that Miss H hates the color chartreuse. Don’t EVER wear chartreuse, or Miss H will make you do 12,565 pushups in a row.

If you are in class on Miss H’s birthday, be sure to get her something that is Vin Diesel because she has a major crush on him. 

If Vin Diesel ever shows up, tie him up and keep him in the closet until Miss H gets there.

Try to get good class karma and not bad class karma. If you have good class karma she will let you go to the bathroom, even when you are out of hallpasses. 

If Miss H asks you to do a sing-off with her, say NO! She will beat the snot of you (I heard a rumor that she won The Voice a few years ago).

Don’t provoke the 8^th graders; we get mad easily. If you need to approach one of us, softly sing “Carry One My Wayward Son” while holding a piece of pie out in front of you. That is the safest way. But make sure the pie is Chocolate French Silk. If you come at us with pumpkin, things will get crazy.