An Hour Long Post About a 70 Minute Phone Call

WARNING: THIS IS A VERY LONG POST... EVEN LONGER THAN MY NORMALLY LONG POSTS. I SUGGEST USING THE WASHROOM BEFORE YOU START. YOU MAY WANT TO ARRANGE TO HAVE FOOD DELIVERED AT SOME POINT. AND PERHAPS SCHEDULE A TIME, MAYBE HALF-WAY THROUGH, TO WALK AROUND A BIT, SHAVE, AND CHANGE INTO A FRESH PAIR OF CLOTHES BEFORE TACKLING THE SECOND HALF. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. (and Merry Christmas!)

11:58 – Dad dials Greg’s number in Portugal... “Hello…is this Elder Haws? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear me?

11:59 – Dad, full of faith, is still trying to get a response. “Hello? Can you hear me? Is this Elder Haws? Hello? Can you hear me?

12:00 – Dad hangs up, then redials

12:01 – Dad hangs up and redials yet again. There may or may not have been some cussing at this point.

12:02 – Mom asks Warren to see if he can figure out how to fix the dishwasher.

12:03 – Dad redials again. This time Greg picks up and blames the phones for the problems, not the parent’s general lack of technological savvy. “This has to be the worst phone in all of Portugal!” says he.
12:04 – Mom asks if he got his Christmas box. Greg says his was the biggest box. Mom thinks about all of the other elders picking up their wimpy Christmas boxes while Greg claims his giant Christmas box. Mom is happy that Greg won a competition that is only going on in her head.

12:05 – Mom asks how he is feeling. Greg says, “I’m really tired, but that just goes with being a missionary.” Mom is proud. Mikey says, “He probably just has mono after kissin’ on all those Portuguese girls.” Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:06 – Greg tells stories about getting lost.

12:o8 – Greg is still telling stories about getting lost. Mindy explains to Kenna that Uncle Greggie gets lost a lot.
12:09 – Greg tells us that the members in his new area think he looks like Harry Potter. Mindy is pleased.

12:10 – Dad tells Greg that Idaho Supreme paid for the whole next year of his mission. Greg says “Holy Cow!”

12:11 – Mom tells Greg about the “tip” Moose got from T.O. Greg says “Oh my goodness!” and “Wow”

12:13 – Mom and Dad tell Greg about Mikey at the BYU bowl game. Greg says “Wow!” Mindy begins to wonder if he has forgotten all English words except “Wow!” “Holy cow!” “Oh my goodness!” and “I got lost, again.”

12:14 – Jenny listens in as Mom tells Greg that Jenny’s children have submitted their questions for Greg in writing. Greg asks if writing the questions was part of the children’s court-mandated community service. Mom tells Greg that Jenny’s kids aren’t that poorly behaved. Mikey says, “Oh yes they are.” Somewhere in Utah Jenny scowls and plots revenge against Mikey.

12:15 – Mom reads the questions and Greg answers:

Ruby’s Questions (age 3): Do you see babies in Portugal? What are their names? Greg’s Answers: Yeah, there are babies in Portugal. Tiago’s are everywhere.

John’s Question (age 33): Are girls prettier in Portugal or in the USA? Greg’s Answer: The USA because I don’t look at girls like that here (mom says, “Good!”)

Bentley’s Questions (age 8): How do you travel? What is your companion like? What is your favorite food in Portugal? Greg’s Answers: We travel by busses. My companion is great, wow, Holy Cow! I would have to say duck rice.

Maxwell’s Question (age 6): What do you like best about being on a mission? Greg’s Answer: I really like speaking Portuguese.

Jonah’s Question (age 4): What is your favorite thing to do on a mission? Greg’s Answer: Teaching people.

Jenny’s Questions (age 33): What is the strangest thing you have eaten so far? And what do you drink most of the time? Greg’s Answers: Cow stomach/Juices.

12:16 – Warren and Greg talk football. Mindy gets bored and shows Kenna some Jurassic Fart videos on YouTube.

12:17 – Kenna talks to Greg. She asks him if he is on his mission. Greg says he thinks so. Warren tells Greg that Kenna thinks Mikey and Greg are the same person. When Greg thinks about the implications of that, he throws up a little in his mouth. Then Kylie gets a snack.

12:18 – Mom tells Greg all of the stories about Jenny’s kids. He laughs, he cries. He misses Jonah.

12:20 – Mom tells Greg she got a wii for Christmas. Greg says “Oh man,” and “Wow!” Mom tells Greg we made a mii for him. Greg asks “I’m not black, am I?” Mindy explains to Kenna what racism is.

12:21 – Mikey and Greg talk in Portuguese. Mom is happy.

12:22 – Warren (who served in Mexico and speaks Spanish) says Portuguese is ugly and that Greg and Mikey sound like drunks.

12:23 – The boys are still talking in Portuguese. Mom recognizes her name. She says, “I think they are talking about me!”

12:24 – The boys are still talking about mom, using funny voices and laughing. Mom says “Ok, that’s enough.”

12:25 – The boys are still talking in Portuguese. Mom recognizes the phrase that mean “It’s true”.

12:26 –Kenna sneezes all over Mindy’s hands. Mindy throws up a little in her mouth.

12:27 – Mom says she is ready for English. Greg says, "Mikey sounds just like the Brazilian people here!" Mike says, "Go figure!" Mike says, "Greg has the Portuguese accent down, and it is annoying." Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:28 – Kylie finds another snack.

12:29 – Mom tells Greg that Moose flys out tomorrow for the Bill’s last away game and that he will be happy to be done traveling. Mom tells Greg about Brianna getting into the nurse anesthesiologist master's program. Greg says “Brianna is gonna make bank!” Then Greg requests that Brianna draw his name in the family Christmas gift giving draw for the next ten years.

12:30 – Warren uses to wii to look up Greg’s weather online. Greg says it is so cold there, he feels like a girl. Mindy explains to Kenna what sexism is.

12:31 – Greg says he has already had two dinner `appointments and is going for another after the phone call. Mom tells Greg that she looked at his branch website and it is beautiful. Greg says it is the second most coveted area in the mission. His first area was the most coveted, so he thinks the president must like him.

12:32 – Mom asks about the other elders in the area. Greg says, “All the fun elders in this zone, are fun, but we work hard.” Mom is proud.

12:35 – Mom asks if he has been cooking. Greg said he found a lot of baking powder in his new apartment, so he has been making a lot of pancakes. Mom makes a note to ship him more syrup.

12:36 – Kylie hears the word “pancakes” and gets a snack.

12:37 - Mom asks for clarification on how to say Greg’s zone name. He makes it sound like “Olive Garden.” Mindy is hungry.

12:43 – Greg says a girl was flirting with him, but that he walked away. Mom says, “I think that’s great!” Mikey says, “I always walk away when girls try to flirt with me.” Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:44 – Mom tells him she printed off the photo of the rat he put in his freezer and hung it up in her classroom (to read the now infamous tale of the rat, click HERE) .

12:45 – Mindy asks Greg, “Whose bright idea was it to try to get the rat they caught drunk before killing it?” Greg said they tried to get the rat drunk because they saw Ratatouille. The rat drank some of the rubbing alcohol, and then rolled in the rest. Mindy says, “You could have lit it on fire.” Mike says, “That’s what my apartment would have done.” Mom Gibbs smacks Mikey across the back of the head.

12:46 – Mom tells Greg that Kyle G. is engaged. “That’s fast. DANG!” Mom tells him that Nick Demo is going to BYUI, and that Kelsey Demo is getting married in Jan. Greg says, “Wow!” Holy cow!” and “Oh my goodness!”

12:48 – Greg tells Warren that he got a letter from some girl Warren hired at Wells Fargo. Greg said the Young Women from the ward also wrote him. Warren starts planning Greg’s marriage to the Wells Fargo girl and/or one of the Laurels.

12:50 – Greg tells Mikey to find him a little Brazilian wife. Mikey says, “You don’t want to marry a Brazilian girl. They are time bombs!” Mindy continues to explain to Kenna what racism is. Kylie takes a break from snacking and pretends to talk to Greg on another phone.

12:52 – Mom can’t believe the girl from the bank wrote him. Greg says his ex girl friend has written him, too. Greg says he won’t write back because she is a distraction. Mom says to send his ex a post card.

12:55 – Greg says he got to talk to his old companion. Elder Wilson. Greg says he loves Elder Wilson. Warren starts planning Greg’s marriage to Elder Wilson.

12:59 – Dad tells Greg that Mike got a new phone. Greg says, "The girls at BYU must loveMike." Dad says the girls stay away from Mikey. Mindy says that will change since mom gave Mike aftershave for Christmas. Mikey claims he doesn’t smell bad. Warren starts planning Mikey’s marriage to the girl from Wells Fargo.

1:05 – Dad gives Greg the update on the missionaries from the stake. Dad tells him about Derek Toone baptizing 23 people in one month in Mexico. Greg says he is going to request a transfer to Mexico.

1:07 – Dad says they are over on time and should go. Dad then continues to talk.

1:08 – Dad tells Greg to keep them updated on stuff he needs... And that they love the letters…much better than the letters from Mikey. Mikey doesn’t notice the slam because he is busy texting girls from BYU letting them know that he now owns aftershave.

1:09 – Mom and dad tell Greg they love him and will talk to him in 4 ½ months.

1:10 – In Portugal, Greg heads out to his third Christmas dinner. Back in Idaho, the rest of the family starts counting down to Mother’s Day.

If you have an extra hour to waste, feel free to review last year's Christmas phone call to Missionary Mikey HERE .