Ode to the Parke Avenue Branch

(I was going to write a little apology to the original poets, but then I realized that they are all dead... so they have bigger problems than me massacring some of their finest work. So to all of you living, breathing readers, please enjoy the literary blood-bath that is this post.)

Parke Avenue Branch...
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways!
I love thee to the depth and breath and height
That my contented stomach reaches,
Filling up on treats at Family Night.


I shall be typing this with a sigh,
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two hats sat perched, side by side; and Lance,
Lance chose the hat less tried,
And that has made all the difference.


Many a boy with a basement bedroom
And way too much time that is free
Can sign up for a talent show spot in their branch
Then show up, strip down, and play Wii.

But when the audience cheered,
Others just cried, "This talent we just don't understand!"
But one stood in the back and announced to the crowd,
"Next year I am bringing Rock Band!"

Oh....I'm being eaten by a green feather boa,

A green feather boa,

A green feather boa.

Yes, I'm being eaten by a green feather boa,

At Relief Society Fancy Nancy Night!

Relief Society Presidency...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more more lovely, and more fair.

Winning the Elders quorums' hearts,

Karaoke-ing with curlers in your hair.

Roses are red,

Carnations are too.

Diana's sweet moves,

Brought me joy, through and through!

Once upon a Monday dreary,

while we pondered weak and weary,

Over many a talent act galore,

There inside the seminary doors,

Saw we an act that made us roar,

The likes of which will go down in yore.

But quoth the branch presidency:

Nevermore, nevermore.

Oh Captain, My Captain!

Our talent show is through!

And we have all be entertained,

Most of all by you!

Oh Captain, My Captain!

Some day a General Authority you shall be!

And I will make a load of cash,

Selling this photo to Salt Lake KSL TV!