Two Conversations With Ruby

The following conversations took place over Labor Day weekend. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent.

Note to Readers: For a more authentic experience, read Ruby's parts in the conversations with the cutest speech impediment possible. For example, Ruby should be pronounced "Woo-Bee", the brothers should be pronounced, "da Brudders", Milo should be pronounced "Mi-Whoa" and recess should be pronounced as "Wee-cess".

Conversation #1
(in Jenny's Kitchen)

Me: Hey Rub-i-Star. What are you learning in school?

Ruby: Nothing.

Me: Nothing? Really?

Ruby: Yep. (pause) Well, I am learning recess.

Me: Coolieo.



Conversation #2
(in my car on the way to Target)

Ruby: When we get to Target, will you buy me a Barbie?

Me: Sorry, not this trip.

Ruby: Why not?

Me: Because I don’t have money for Barbies. I spent all my money on gas to come and see you.

Ruby: Gas doesn’t cost money.

Me: Ummm, yes, it does.

Ruby: Did you buy the brothers something when you took them to the store?

Me: Nope. Maxwell used his birthday money.

Ruby: What about Milo?

Me: Well, Milo is too little to have money so I bought him some juice boxes that you helped him drink, remember? And they didn’t cost very much.

Ruby: Mindy, know what? You should get married.

Me: Married, eh? I never thought of that…

Ruby: When you get married, you get a husband. Then your husband goes to work and gets money.

Me: I go to work and I get money.

Ruby: You go to work?

Me: Yep.

Ruby: Where?

Me: At school. I’m a teacher, remember?

Ruby: That’s not work.

Me: You must be a republican.

Ruby: No. I’m just Ruby.

Me: Alrighty then. Look, we’re almost to Target.

Ruby: You need a husband to go to work. Husbands get lots of money. Then your husband can give it to you. And then you can buy me a Barbie.

Me: But what if I marry a husband who has a lot of nieces and we have to spend the money on Barbies for his nieces?

Ruby: What?

Me: What if the husband I marry has lots of nieces, nieces named Sapphire and Diamond and Pearl,  and he wants to spend all of his money to buy those little girls Barbies and there isn’t any money left to buy you a Barbie?

Ruby: (Ponders this… then…) Will you buy me some Barbie clothes?

Me: Now, or when I get a husband with money?

Ruby: Now.

Me: Sure. If they are modest Barbie clothes.

Ruby: (Ponders… then…) Or nail polish?

Me: Nail polish it is!

Everyone Needs Their Own Spot

Everyone needs a place to belong, their own special spot where they fit.

Some people's spot may be on the back of a tiger, surrounded by cousins, or propped up by Grandpa.

 

K-Rae will be finding her own spot in kindergarten this week. She was made for school, and will be running the place by the end of the week.

 

Your spot might be a seat in the middle of the river, with the wind blowing through your hair and the water flowing over your toes.

 

Your spot might be in the back of a very fast boat, choice hits from the 80's pouring out of its speakers, surrounded by friends who are family.

 

There are many places that I love:

my cute little home,

my parent's living room,

any and all libraries...

 

But my spot,

 the place I fit best,

is a little room in the corner of the junior high, where the desk was a mess two hours in to the first day of the school year.

 

As much as I enjoy my summers (and GOODNESS do I enjoy them!), my classroom is my spot in the world. And this year, thanks to a suggestion by my visiting teachers, my spot it spotted!

 

This is where I am at my best, my comfort zone, my sphere of influence, my laboratory, my kingdom, my stage.

 

Its not a perfect place.

 

It is sometimes too hot, and often too cold.

It can be full of loud chatting when it should be lost in quiet thought.

Just as often, it can be totally silent when confident answers should be offered up at high volumes.

This year, thanks to budget cuts, it is bursting at the seams with far too many kidlets, with shelves that are far to empty of books and supplies.

It houses angst when the idiots in Boise stick their noses in where they don't belong.

It radiates joy when that D has clawed it's way up to a B.

It's where I guzzle ice water, eat cold cereal for lunch, hand out mints before tests, and sing grammar songs at the tops of my lungs.

It is also where I sit with legs crossed, wishing I hadn't guzzled so much water.

It is the spot where kids give me equal amounts of standing ovations and dirty looks.

It is my territory, my habitat, my element, my dominion, and my neighborhood.

 

It is my spot.

 

But the middle of the river at sunset is a close second.

A Few Short Notes on the Eve of the 1st Day of School

NOTE #1

Dear Harry Potter Books,

I am writing to apologize for ignoring you this summer. I saw you waiting patiently on the shelf as I obsessively watched and re watched Sherlock and then got sucked into the cheeseball world of Doctor Who. I had every intention of spending our usual two weeks together, but alas, this year is was just not meant to be; the pull of the BBC was just too strong.

I hope you're not too upset about me rushing through you in the evenings after my back to school meetings last week. I assure you I will finish Book Seven before I go to bed tonight, thus keeping alive our tradition of a complete reread before school officially starts. And I promise to be more attentive next summer...seeing as how the next three Sherlocks won't be on TV in the states until next fall.

My sincerest apologies,
Mindy

NOTE #2

Dear Weather,

Thank you so much for that wonderful little rainstorm between meetings today. After watching the weekend weather reports, I was worried that my traditional day-before-school-starts-cleansing-rainstorm-of-new-beginnings wasn't going to happen. Now that I have felt the raindrops on my face and feet, and smelled that great rain smell (a nice combo of ozone and earthworm?) I am officially ready to go back to school tomorrow.

Thanks again!
Mindy

...and while we are on the topic of rainstorms...

NOTE #3

Dear Kidlets,

Don't you think it is a little too early in the year to be praying for adverse weather? While I freely admit to enjoying the little shower earlier in the day, the freaky thunderstorm tonight was a bit much. I mean, I'm as happy as the next girl that the tv folks actually got to use the whole emergency broadcast system instead of just testing it, but how about you give the first day of school a try before praying in any more bad weather?

Your teacher,
Miss H

NOTE #4

Dear Junior High School,

Brace yourself: The kidlets will be back tomorrow... unless they spend the night praying for a tornado.

See you soon!
Mindy

NOTE #5

Dear Ruby's Kindergarten teacher,

Good luck tomorrow.

Seriously. Good luck.

I'll be praying for you,
Her Aunt

NOTE #7

Dear Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat,

I appreciate the hints about the next season of Sherlock, but do you really think that "rat, wedding, and bow" will be enough to hold me over for another twelve months? Not cool, gentlemen. Not cool.

Laters!
Your biggest, grumpiest fan

NOTE #8

Dearest Darling Bed,

Please understand that, when I leave you at 4:52 tomorrow morning, I am going because I have to and not because I want to. I will be thinking about you all day.

Until we meet again,
Mindy

Reply #1

Dear Mindy,

Thanks for the kind note about thinking about me all day, but you seem to have forgotten an important point: School starts tomorrow! Stop writing this sub-par blog and get your backside to bed. NOW. Or else the only impression that will be made tomorrow will be the indentations on your forehead from the spiral binding of your lesson plan book.

Sleep Well and Good Luck!

Your Bed

On This Vacation, Life is Fair

Are you a city kid who dreams of spending a few days away from the hustle and bustle of city-kid-life?

Do you catch yourself daydreaming about wide open, cow-scented spaces?

Do you wish you had more opportunities to wear cowboy hats in public on days other than Halloween?

Do you occasionally lament that your meals don't contain more food that has been fried on sticks?

Do you ever long to give a very large pig a shower-bath with a garden hose?

Every now and then do you have the desire to shave off all your hair, bathe in raspberry flavored Jello, and only communicate through interpretive dance?

If so, you should see a therapist right away.

Seriously, like, NOW.

But if you only identify with the first five circumstances on the list, AND you happen to be child of one of my siblings, do I have a vacation opportunity for you!

Why go on a cruise to Alaska or take a bike tour through Portugual when you could pile into your mini van and drive a mere three hours to experience the all-inclusive resort-type atmosphere that is my county fair?

No fancy-schmancy hotel restaurant or cruise ship buffet can offer the same wide variety of culinary delights as fairground fare and the surrounding eateries. And where else besides my kitchen can small children feast on Taco Bandito and Raman Noodles at the same time? Not in Branson or Mt. Rushmore, that's for sure!

Want a vacation that provides plenty of cultural and historical experiences?

 Forget about paying expensive museum entry fees; you can tour the art building at the fair grounds for free!

And when you have seen all of the photos and paintings and flower arrangements that you can handle, there is always 4-H building with it's main attraction: The West Stake's fair booth, home to my newest assortment of fair ribbons!

A fair play vacation also comes complete with plenty of opportunities to interact with the animal kingdom.

You thought I was kidding about the whole, giving a pig a shower-bath thing, didn't you? Well, I wasn't. But, in the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that spraying a pig with a hose is part of the deluxe package. This year, only Ruby was able to qualify for that particular piggy perk.

And no Broadway show or whale watching experience can provide quite the same level of entertainment as the rodeo.

The roar of the crowd ringing in your ears, clumps arena "dirt" flying towards your face, and the rush of adrenaline shooting through your body as a wide cow drags it's would-be-rider long the fence where you watch it all with wide-eyed wonder.

And while the carnival rides might not be up to par with Universal Studios, they are still a pretty fun time...if you happen to be tall enough to ride them.

And some years there is also the added bonus of watching your very protective momma snap photos of you while cursing your aunt/tour guide/enabler under her breath.

So don't wait! Act now and book your fun-filled fair vacation for August 2013. It is an unforgettable experience. And if you don't believe me, just ask the satisfied customers pictured below.

Just don't ask their momma until they come down off their sugar high and she gets the manure stains out of their new school clothes.

The Book of Mindy: The Fair Booth Chapters

Chapter 1

1. In the days of the second year of the reign of President Jones over the West Stake, even the summer of 2011, there was found within the stake two girls of great creativity. And their names were Lacie and Timbri.

2. And thus it came to be that, as Lacie and Timbri were in the midst of enjoying their summer, even the summer of 2011, the stake Relief Society presidency did appear unto them.

3. And the stake Relief Society presidency did speak unto them, saying: Behold! We bring you glad tidings of fair time, which shall be to all the county. For unto you there comes this day a calling, which is fair-booth overlords."

4. But Lacie and Timbri were confused, and said unto the presidency, “Why fore willst thou give this calling unto us? Did thou not observe the booth that thine own presidency didst create last year? It was pleasing to the stake and very creative. What more could we have done for thy fair booth?”

5. Hearing this, the presidency did shake their heads and they exclaim with much emotion, “Oh that ye were the open class judges and had judged the booth of 2010. For behold, we too did believe the booth to be pleasing and creative. Yet, in the day of the judging, did the booth from the other stake, the stake whose name we do not speak, they did win the blue ribbon instead of us.”

6. And they did continue, “We know that we are the stake Relief Society presidency, but in that day of judging did our charity faileth. Yea, it faileth hard. And ten months we have had to think upon these things, and in that time it hath been made known unto us that thou, Lacie and Timbri, have the talents necessary to triumph over all the other stakes.”

7. But Lacie and Timbri did not find comfort in these words, instead they did exclaim unto the presidency, “Why bestow upon us thus such a calling as fair-booth overlords? For behold, we are but lasses from the singles branch, and we are slow of dating, and all the stake doth hate us. Therefore give this calling unto someone else, yea even unto some perky Mormon mommy craft blogger who is armed with the glue gun of innovation and the bedazzler of charmingness.”

8. But their cries were in vain. And the stake Relief Society Presidency did leave Lacie and Timbri with the theme, a budget, and a prayer that they might fulfill their calling in the most humane (**wink wink, Sue**) way possible, while still kicking the symbolic trash of the other stakes.

9. And over the next month did Lacie and Timbri plan and prepare and paste. Yea, they did stitch and sew and stencil. And they did clip, and cut, and perhaps they may even have cussed. And when the day of judging did arrive, even the judging of the 2011 open class fair booths, Lacie and Timbri’s booth did win the blue ribbon.

10. And throughout the stake there was much rejoicing. Oh, so much rejoicing. And the presidency’s charity did return fourfold and they did tell Lacie and Timbri that the calling of fair-booth overlords was a three-year calling.

11. And Lacie and Timbri did laugh, believing such a statement to be yet another of the presidency's funny jokes.  And they did sleep well for almost a year, yea for ten months did Lacie and Timbri sleep the blue ribbon sleep of the victorious, firm in the belief that their time as fair-booth overlords had ceased.

Chapter 2

1. And it came to pass that, in the days of the third year of the reign of President Jones over the West Stake, even the summer of 2012, preparations for fair did begin again. And again did the stake Relief Society presidency appear unto Lacie and Timbri, and Lacie and Timbri were sore afraid.

2. But the presidency did say unto them, “Why fearest thou us and the task we set before thee? For behold, last year thou didst win for the stake the blue ribbon, yea thou didst beat the stake whose name we do not speak. And because of this thing, our charity hath been restored four-fold and we care not if we receive another blue ribbon this year.”

3. And Lacie and Timbri did look upon the presidency with much confusion, saying, “Art thou serious? Canst thine blue ribbon obsession have been so easily assuaged?"  And, gazing upon the countenances of the presidency, they did see the truthfulness of their words and did ask, “What then is the theme that will haunt our dreams for the next month?”

4. And when they did hear that the theme was 100 years of 4-H, Lacie and Timbri did laugh, saying, “Surely thou joketh, for this was the theme of the last year!”

5. But the presidency did reply, “Knowest thou not that the fair booth is one of three things we never joke about, the other two things being the possibility of running out of food at our annual stake meeting and President Jones ability to command the lights in a ten block radius to turn on with sheer strength of will? Rememberest thou not that last year’s theme was 100 years of Cassia County Fair and not 100 Years of 4-H, which is this year’s theme?”

6. And Lacie and Timbri, after taking mental note to chastise the fair board for redundancy and a general lack of creativity, did set forth and begin to prepare the 2012 fair booth.

7. And these are the things which they did to prepare: A map of the county was printed and overlaid with the theme in vinyl letters; two banners were sewn and vinyl lettering likewise placed upon it; treasure chests were found and filled with hand-stitched treasure bags that had been decorated with vinyl 4-H logos; yea, great amounts of vinyl lettering did abound.

8. And also, there were sugar beets.

9. And it came to pass that when the time of the booth set-up had been accomplish, did the stake Relief Society presidency look upon the booth, and Lacie did look upon the booth, and Timbri did look upon the booth and they did see that it was good.

10. But before departing unto the fair grounds parking lot, Lacie and Timbri did ask one last time, “How is it that thine presidency’s bloodlust for the blue ribbon hath miraculously disappeared. Yea, how is it that thou no longer carest if the stake booth vanquishes the booths of the other stakes?”

11. And the presidency did answer unto them, “Behold, the blue ribbon thou has won for the stake last year. We have kept this blue ribbon and will hang it on the booth every year hence, no matter what color ribbon is assigned unto us by the judges, who may or may not be related by blood or marriage to the booth overlords from the stake whose name we do not speak. For this reason, and a little bit because we spent the whole year’s budget on our women’s conference where we fed over 300 sisters, are we not stressing over winning the ribbon this year.”

12. And Lacie and Timbri did hear these things, and they did ponder these things. And they were comforted. Until the memory of the “THREE year calling” did spring again to their minds. And they did decide that, next year, when the time for preparations for faith doth roll around, they would move out of the stake.

13. Which is why, in the summer of 2013, there will be s strong possibility that  Lacie and Timbri shall dwell in a tent… in Declo.

A Poetic Look Back at My Summer

August is upon us!

It sure does fly, that time.

So let's review my summer

With collages and with rhyme.

I did a lot of driving,

In states that numbered three,

And became quite obsessed

With all things BBC.

I spent time with my niblets

And with my tired, old folks.

I went to family home evenings

Where we sang and ate and joked.

I made a cake from homemade ice cream,

It was ugly but tasted grand,

Steph and I swam everyday

I’ve never been so tan!

Our presidency was busy

Slinging food for the Stake’s teens,

And making 300 lunches

For the folks who hoed Church beans.

I spent hours in my classroom

For which I won’t get paid

And subbed the mission prep class

Using high-tech  visual aids!

We hit the Grow reunion,

The biggest ever, says Guinness

And then there was the Book sale

I think those memories I’ll repress

I saw Krystal and Reed’s wedding

Reception cupcakes I did frost

I helped Ruby school shop,

And my sanity nearly lost.

School’s lurking on the horizon

Yet I will not despair!

First we’ll party with New Jenny,

And after that is fair!

As summer comes to a close,

It’s probably for the best.

I need school to start again

So I can get some rest!