Most Likely To...

Due to an unfortunate combination of all-day 7th grade activities, shortened school weeks, and afternoon meetings at the district office, I didn't seen my yearbook staffers for two weeks.

Two WHOLE weeks.



Of course, I left them with plenty to do. We sent out our yearbook "favorites" surveys a few weeks ago, so I thought my necessary absences would be a great time for the yearbook jedi to count them.



All of them.



They complained a bit at first, but after they realized that I wasn't going to unchain them from their desks until they had counted and tallied every last vote, they quickly resigned themselves to their sad, paper-cut-riddled state of existence, stopped begging for bathroom breaks and sips of water, and tallied like there was no tomorrow.

The result of their diligent, and only somewhat coerced effort, was a list of winners for the various "favorites" categories. As I pursued the names of those kidlets who had been declared "Most Likely to Rule The World", "Most Likely to Win a Reality Show", and "Most Likely to Crash the Driver's Ed Car", and so on, I got to thinking about the "favorites" lists in my old yearbooks.

I operated far enough below the radar in junior and senior high to escape consideration during the favorites voting process. And I was fine with that. But now, thanks to the evil geniuses who run Yearbook Yourself, I have the opportunity to declare various versions of myself as the winners of all sorts of prestigious yearbook awards.

Behold: Miss H Through the ages...

Most Likely To Be a Wall Flower at a USO Dance

Most Likely To Work The Switchboard As a Telephone Operator

Most Likely To Join "Hair Club for Women"

Most Likely To Be Mistaken For My Mother's Jr. High Photos




Most Likely To Suffer Permanent Hair-Weight-Related Spinal Damage

Most Likely To Be Confused With My Mother's High School Photos

Most Likely To Unknowingly Waste $20 on a Baggie of Oregano.



Most Likely To Be Eaten First If A Plane Full of Her Soccer Buddies Crashed in the Andes.

Most Likely to Guest Star in An Episode Of "Charlie's Angels".

Most Likely To Own a Pet That Looks Just Like Herself

Most Likely To Date Guys Named Vince, Guido, Nicky, or Dominic.

Most Likely To Die Tragically In a Freak Hairspray vs. Flame Accident

Not to be confused with...

...Most Likely To Be Maimed In A Tragic Crimper Accident.

Most Likely To Be Cast As "Vanessa" In a "Cosby Show" Tribute.




Most Likely To Fall In Love With A Guy Named "Ross" While Sipping Hot Beverages Out of Over-Sized Cups at Central Perk.

After seeing all those great looks (and many, many more!!!) I found my actual 2009-2010 school photos to be a bit of a let down.

Which is why I think I will print this one out to go in our faculty photo display on the wall at the junior high. REALLY.

But I'm wondering which "Most Likely To..." I would win with this awesome-possum look. Any ideas?

Hmmmmmm....I think I just found the kidlets' bell work question for Monday. This should be FUN!

Road Apple Roulette

Yesterday was one of my most favorite days of the entire year: Fair Parade Day.


I love the fair parade for several reasons.



It is always a blast to see my former and current kidlets strutin' their stuff as cheerleaders, marching band members, junior miss royalty, and giant dancing vegetables. I was especially proud of this year's dancing taco. See Jalena, I told you that the skills you learned in 8th grade commications class would take you far in life!

The parade is also a time to star-gaze at our local celebrities, like my friend and fellow brancher Jill who waved at her adoring fans from her seat on the cosmetology school float. Elizabeth and Chloe were also on hand to sign autographs, but poor Jessica and Allison spent most of there time trying to avoid the pesky paparazzi.

Of course, the parade itself was pretty cool too.

Some of the floats were fun...

Others were informative...

And one of my favorites was built by loving hands to promote a very worthy cause .

The parade is such a big deal round these parts that the roving concession and souvenir folks even show up. During the course of the parade you could purchase bottled water, soda pop, goofy hats, flags, and.....rabbits.

Never seen a rabbit concession at a parade before? Then you are missing out, my friend. Them rabbits is good eatin'.

Aside from the soon-to-be-bbq-ed rabbits, everyone who attended the parade had a grand old time. Except for this little piggy, who got all dressed up in his fancy hat to show the 4-H kids what is going to happen to their project pigs after the auction on Saturday.

But the highlight of the parade was the many, many horses that participated. The town's equestrian residents played a vital role in the 4-H fund raiser... Road Apple Roulette.

What was that?

You've never heard of road apple roulette before?

Let me explain...

No, wait.

I think I should let our local newspaper explain. Here is an excerpt from last week's paper:

Road apple roulette comes to Burley
By Damon Hunzeker
Times-News writer
BURLEY - The roads of Burley will soon be riddled with manure. The second annual Road Apple Roulette, a fundraiser by the Burley Rotary Club, will be held during the Cassia County Fair parade. The event is kind of like gambling - but with horse droppings, thus the euphemism "road apple."

Rotarians will map out the parade route by GPS into 10,600, 6-foot-by-6-foot squares. Tickets representing the squares are available for $5 or five for $20 at local Mr. Gas stores, as well as a booth outside Wal-Mart. If a horse drops in your square, you win a prize.

Efforts have been taken to prevent rigging the game by people who understand the rudiments of equestrian defecation.

I'm sorry, but I loved that last sentence so much that I just have to put it in again...Efforts have been taken to prevent rigging the game by people who understand the rudiments of equestrian defecation.

Why have those efforts been taken, you ask? Well.... "You can't pick the square. They're randomly selected by a computer," Paul Lyons, the current Rotary president said. "We thought of doing it the other way, but the horse people tell us it happens when the horses get nervous or when they're tired at the end." The "horse people," he said, could purchase tickets that represent squares at the end of the route or, worse, somehow make the horses nervous when they approach certain squares.

Really.


So this is how it works.

The horses walk the parade route and....well....poop along the way. A group of dedicated people then walk behind the horses spray painting circles around the poop piles so that the poop can then be removed from the street.
Then come the gentlemen with the GPS gear who record the exact latitude and longitude of each circle so that the head honchos can determine who ended up with winning squares.

I didn't buy a square during last years parade, and ended up kicking myself every time I drove down overland and saw the lingering remnants of the spray painted poop circles (they were visible until February or so). So this year I was determined to get in on the fun. I bought one square for myself and one for my dad, who has always been a fan of anything as inappropriate as betting on poop.

The winners will be announced during the first round of rodeo action tonight. But as much as I would enjoying winning, I almost hope I don't. Loosing at an event such as this would open the door for a plethora of puns... none of which I could post on this blog or share with decent, upstanding citizens...

...but they will make for one heck of a fun phone call to my dad later on!

August

June

July

AUGUST!!!!

I love August.


August is when I get to take the butcher paper off my bookshelves.


August is when I get to pull "the lamp" out of the storage closet.



And when a light fixture of this caliber appears, you know that a new herd of kidlets can't be too far behind.

And the kidlets can't return to naked walls.


In fact, it's best to stay as far away from the word "naked" as possible when dealing with 7th graders.



Words like "naked" have been known to cause 7th graders to lapse into giggle fits that result in puddles of piddle on the newly cleaned carpet.


And puddles of piddle are not appreciated by our hardworking custodial staff.



Not even a little bit.



So naked walls, naked bookshelves, naked bulletin boards, and everything else of the "naked persuasion" must be avoided at all costs.



Except, of course, for naked mole rats.

Naked mole rats make the BEST hall passes, and are not prohibited by the "naked ban" because the kidlets are too busy laughing at the disgusting burping sounds the hall pass makes to process the word "naked" in the over-developed giggle centers of their cute little brains.


August is when posters come out of hiding and retake their positions on the walls.

August is when the cross walks are repainted.

August is when Iron Man reports for duty, guarding my battered classroom sets of Tom Sawyer and Artemis Fowl.

August is when the back corner of the custodian's office is filled with an obscene amount of copy paper. Paper that we will run out of way too soon.

And this August is even more exciting than most, because this August our kind and benevolent school board saw fit to scrape up some money for new literature and grammar books. After laboring on the textbook adoption committee all of last year, I was so very excited to line my bookshelves with those much-anticipated tomes. I couldn't wait for my room to be filled with that "new book smell."

It felt like Christmas morning when the truck backed up to the back door of my newly cleaned, 70% decorated classroom on Friday morning. I couldn't wait to fill up my empty bookshelves with our newly adopted editions.

That excitement did ebb a bit, however, when the district folks continued to bring in boxes long after my classroom set had been unloaded. Before I knew it, the the boxes threatened to cover the Emerald City in a tsunami of texts.

My classroom, the one I had spent the previous week meticulously decorating and arranging, became storage shed for the entire school's new supply of literature and grammar books.

I can't complain too much, though.

I mean, my poor desk was already a mess long before the media components were dumped there for inventory and the stacks of boxes will eventually be hauled out of my room as the books are stamped and numbered and assigned to their new homes.

And before I know it, the desks will be empty of book boxes.

Those desks will be covered with college ruled paper, black ink pens, pieces of sentence skeletons, and filled with a new crop of 7th graders who are anxious to squeal when they cut into a nice, juicy dissection sentence for the very first time.

And then they will beg to use the naked mole rat hall pass to go to the bathroom to wash the imaginary sentence juice off their faces.

Naked mole rat.

Naked.

Hehehehe.

Dear Elizabeth,

I hope you are having a great time in Las Vegas.

Have you met the goal your sister set for you? You know, the one about swimming in the military base pool everyday? Please don't forget to bring me the military souvenir I requested. Remember, his rank doesn't matter as long as he is taller than me and is sporting a regulation buzz cut.

Everything is fine here. I am having a great time babysitting your neurotic, bat-eared rat-dog...I mean, your precious angel Chloe.

I had a great time taking care of her while you were in Poland last summer. I sure learned a lot about myself that month, and it was fun watching Chloe make new friends . It was a great lesson in responsibility, and wonderful material for summer blog posts.

I really enjoy Chloe-sitting, but to be honest with you, I was a little surprised that you were willing to trust me with your hairy little treasure after that unfortunate incident last November. That was the most exciting Thanksgiving since the year my mother discovered cooking sherry.

And now that Chloe is back in AA meetings and will soon have her "barking under the influence" charge removed from her permanent record, I think you will finally start to see the humor in the situation. Really.
Plus, I think that whole experience (along with the intervention we had for her at Christmas) has brought Chloe and I even closer together. We are even coordinating our wardrobe choices. See how my t-shirt matches her bows? We're practically sisters!

Chloe misses you, but is making the best of the situation. She loves having the bedroom all to herself. In fact, she is enjoying your bed so much that she is considering moving all of your personal items into the guest room.

Of course, Chloe doesn't spend all of her time in bed. She spends most afternoons sitting in your chair getting caught up on her reading. The Twilight series seems to be her favorite. She won't admit it, but I know she has a thing for Jacob. She always goes for the shaggy guys with a ton of emotional baggage. Oh well. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

I can tell that she misses you, though, because she is doing an awful lot of comfort-eating. I guess Egyptian cotton sheets and werewolf love stories can't fill the Elizabeth-shaped void in her life.

But don't worry about her too much. Chloe will be happy to see you when you get home, but will be just fine until then. She's decided to take up yoga and has gotten pretty darn good at it. She is a natural at "downward facing dog". So enjoy the rest of your trip. Have fun with your nieces and nephews as you savor the last few days of your summer vacation. Oh, and speaking of savoring, Chloe thinks your yoga mat is delicious, so you might want to pick up a new one on your way home. You could stop and pick one up in Utah...it would give my souvenir a chance to stretch his legs.

See you soon!

-Mindy