Elder Greg's Last Phone Call, Part I

*Note: Due to the fact that I took about three hours worth of notes during the one hour phone call, I decided to split this post into two parts. Those of you with things to besides checking my blog can thank me later.


1:55 – While Homely tracks down the assorted house phones, Mom and Mindy discuss how excited they are to talk to Elder Greg.

2:03 – Mom and Mindy, still deep in conversation about conversing with Greg, realize that Homely has made the call and has in fact been talking to Greg for seven or eight minutes.

2:04 – Homely announces to Greg that the goal for this phone call is to make him as trunky as possible. Greg announces that, after almost two years in Portugal, he now only understands six English words, none of which are “Trunky ,” but two of which are “Jimmer”. 2:05 – Mom, in an attempt to thwart Homely’s attempts to trunkify Greg, asks about Jose, one of Greg’s most recent investigators. Greg says Jose sounds less enthusiastic and has been missing appointments.

2:10 – Undeterred, Mom asks about a sweet lady Greg taught and baptized in his last area. Greg says she had a metal breakdown and refuses to leave her apartment. Mindy mutters, “Strike two,” under her breath.

2:15 – Mom changes tactics and asks about the weather. Greg says that this area is one of the hottest cities in the mission and everything is in full bloom… including his allergies.

2:16 – Mom gives up and jumps on the trunky train, asking what kind of shirt Greg would like her to purchase for his post-mission life.

2:20 – Homely asks if Mindy wants to talk to Greg. Mindy says she would love to, but she is too busy typing notes for her blog post. Homely makes a comment that calls into question the historical accuracy of Mindy’s phone call posts.

2:21 – Mindy is about to type his disparaging comment, when she realizes she can type whatever the heck she wants. She mumbles, “The power, Muwaahaha, the power!” and types… Homely says, “The only thing I would ever change about Mindy’s blog would be having more references to my favorite college sports program, the University of Utah Utes.”

2:22 – Mom tells Greg that she Googled the town he is serving in and printed off a map. She asks if he lives near the castle. Greg asks, “The cathedral?” Mom says, “No, the CASTLE.” Greg asks, “The university?” Mom says, “THE CASTLE.” Greg says, “Sure.”

2:23 – Mom describes her Googled map to him and asks which street he lives on. Greg says their street, Tavolant Traveassa, is tiny so it is probably not on the map. He gives his address using funky directions in Portuguese. Mom makes plans to stalk Greg via Google Earth.

2:30 – Homely tells Greg, “We went to a Portuguese movie last night.” Greg is impressed and asks what they saw. Homely says, “Mindy talked us into seeing Fast Five.” Greg is confused. Mom explains that the movie is set in Brazil and, because cultural authenticity is a hallmark of Vin Diesel films, many of the characters spoke Portuguese. “We had to read subtitles,” Mom concludes.

2:31 – Homely makes a comment about Mindy’s appreciation of Vin Diesel’s many talents, which Mindy types as, “I am constantly amazed at the subtle nuances of Mr. Diesel’s portrayal of such a emotionally complex character as Dom Torretto. I will be eternally grateful to Mindy for recommending this superb film.”

2:33 – Homely asks if the mission office has given Greg his travel plans. Homely warns him not to eat much during the flight because Homely will be driving him right from the airport to In-N-Out Burger. Greg says, “Cool!” Homely says, “And then we will stop there again for lunch on the way home the next day.” Greg, whose major cheeseburger exposure has been at a place called BurgerRanch, is suddenly very happy.

2:35 – Mom explains to Greg that, unlike the other four missionaries in the family, he will be met in SLC instead of at the IF airport. Greg doesn’t seem concerned, saying, “That’s still a ways away.” Mom says, “Um, you fly home in a month.” Greg says, “Oh…Crap.”

2:37 – Mom tells Greg that he will leave Portugal on a Monday and then fly for the next two days. She asks if she needs to have clean clothes waiting for him. Greg says that he will have time to do laundry at mission home because they won’t be leaving until later in the day. He goes on to explain that, “The president doesn’t like to get up early to see the missionaries off.”

2:38 – Mindy, although she loves her early-to-rise-cattle-rancher-mission-president, day dreams for a moment about having a mission president who believes in sleeping in. She rejoins the conversation as Greg announces that he will scavenge for a really big bag to use as a carry-on.

2:40 – Mom tells Greg that he is registered for fall semester at BYU, courtesy of Mikey and Jenny. Homely tells Greg about his class schedule, emphasizing that he is NOT registered for the marriage and family class. Greg is relieved.

2:42 - Homely says he got in trouble in his BYU marriage and family class for raising his for asking if there was a Marriage and Family lab for which he could register.

2:43 – Mom tells Greg that they have taken care of his BYU housing and that he will be living with Mikey. Homely apologizes. Mom wonders if it is too late to sign Mikey up for a marriage and family class.

2:44 – Mom asks Greg about the birthday money she sent him. Greg says he bought a tie and a new pair of jeans. Mom asks about the shopping opportunities in his area. Greg says, “The Gypsies sell stuff cheep.” Homely asks if Greg could bring a gypsy home for Mikey to date, adding “Unshaved legs don’t bother him.”

2:45 – Greg, anxious to stop talking about hairy gypsy legs, asks about Warren and Becky’s new baby. Homely says Bubba is a cutie. Greg says, "So... he doesn't look like Warren?" Mom says Bubba has his momma's dark hair and good looks. Greg says, "Prayers are answered."

2:48 – Greg’s sniffle’s distract Mom from talking about her adorable new grandbaby. Mom tells Greg that he needs to take allergy meds. Greg says he has been taking some, but they don’t really work so he has been asking the other missionaries what they do to combat their allergies. Greg said the other missionaries who have served in this area recommend drinking local honey and eating cloves of garlic.

2:49 – Mindy thinks that the Elders are trying to punk Greg with the honey and garlic advice and considers warning him about near-dead-elder-hazing.

2:49:30 – Mindy imagines Greg trying the honey and garlic advice and realizes that it would make a great future blog post. She encourages Greg to give it a try. “And have your companion take photos,” she adds.

2:50 – Homely attempts to make a comment about Mindy’s blog-centric motivation for encouraging Greg to eat raw garlic cloves, but Mindy tunes him out and types… “Dad agrees with Mindy, finally admitting that she is his favorite child. “Mindy is the Jimmer of our family,” say he.

*Tune in later in the week for more details from Greg's last missionary phone call, including...

---What Greg was doing in a church building made from human bones.

---Why Homely counseled Greg to avoid arriving at the SLC airport "wearing nothin' but a name tag".

---How Greg handled the crazy dude who showed up at the Branch building with a knife.

and

---More things that Homely should have said, but didn't.