Finishing One Chapter and Starting Another

The Book of Mindy, Chapter 31

1. For behold, it came to pass that the branch president spake unto me, yea, even in the seminary building hallway, and said unto me: “Blessed art thou Mindy, because of the things which thou hast done; and because thou hast been faithful and declared unto thy Sunday school class the things which the lesson manual hath commanded thee.

2. “But behold, my heart is heavy. I bring sad tidings. The stake calendar, and even the branch membership list, hath made it known unto me that thy birthday doth speedily approach. Yea, even in one week’s time shalt thou reach the age of YSA expiration and must therefore be cast out from the branch.”


3. And I, having been repeatedly reminded by mine family and friends, knew of these things before he spake them unto me. Nevertheless, his words did cause me to quake and tremble.

4. And I did fall at his feet and shed many tears upon his black leather loafers. And I did cry unto him: “President! Entreat me not to leave the branch, or to return to a family ward; for whither the branch goest, I will go; and what refreshments the branch doth eat, I will eat. And thy activities will be my activities, and thy temple trips my temple trips.”

5. And the branch president did look upon me with great affection. Nevertheless, he did shake his head and exclaim unto me: “Turn again, dear sister; why will ye stay with the branch? Are there yet any more righteous priesthood holders in your age bracket in our Elder’s Quorum that they might be your husband? Turn again, Sister Mindy, go to your family ward.”

6. But I did reply unto him: “Kind President, knowest thou not that I do not attend for the boys? For truly, if I were to attend a branch for the purpose of flirting, the Rupert branch, with its many cowboys, would serve me best. But behold I do not attend for the boys, but for the spirit and the friendships, and for the many, many refreshments that are served at each activity.”


7. But the branch president was not swayed by my pleadings. Instead, he did warn me saying: “Forgetest thou the lesson of Jonah? He who fled from his assigned ward? Remember not the great fish which was prepared to swallow up Jonah? And Jonah was in the belly of the fish for three days and three nights? Repent, Sister Mindy, lest this same punishment befall you.”

8. And I did hear his voice of warning, and did ponder his words for the space of seven seconds before I did respond: “But President, behold! We are in Idaho, even in the desert. How then should a whale, or any other great fish, swallow me?”

9. But the president was not confounded by my words. Instead he did declare unto me: “Perhaps thou mayest vacation at a beach for spring break, or go forth upon the great waters for a cruise. Then thou mayest be swallowed up by a whale unless thou repent of this great wickedness and attend the family ward that has been prepared for you.”

10. But I, in my most unrepentant of voices, did continue to exclaim unto him: “But president, how for should I travel to the beach, or go forth on a cruise when I am but a humble pubic school teacher? Yea, if I cannot afford to get my eyebrows waxed, how then shall I afford to travel wherever the whales and other great fish do swallow disobedient 31-year-olds?”

11. And after hearing my words, the branch president did reply: O ye of little faith and even littler understanding! It mattereth not whether thy disobedience doth cause thee to be swallowed up by a whale or cast down into a beet dump or even buried in a spud cellar. (For truly these things could befall thee here in our Idaho desert.) It only mattereth that, in one week’s time, thou shalt reach the age of YSA expiration and thou mayest not attend the YSA branch, except in thy capacity as a member of the stake relief society presidency. This is not my will, but the policy of the Church. The Church which thou didest just bear testimony of not ten minutes ago.”

12. And then he did think upon his words and add, “But seeing as how thy dark and terrible birthday is yet still one week off, and our little branch is greatly in need of speakers, wouldst thou be willing to give a talk in Sacrament meeting next Sunday?”

13. And I said unto him: “How many minutes doest thou wish me to speak and upon which topic?”

14. And he did answer unto me saying, “Fifteen minutes on 2 Nephi 25:23 should be good.”

15. And it came to pass that after he had said these things did the branch president commanded me again, even in the hallway of the seminary building, that, after I should give my talk, I should take my visual aids and my handouts and depart unto the wilderness.

16. And behold, after he sayeth these things, there was great weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. But when I did remember that my new bishop is also my dentist, I did cease gnashing my teeth, for continuing to do so would be a great offense in my new ward wherein dental hygiene is next to godliness.

17. But my weeping and wailing did continue, and shall continue until such a time as I come to love my new ward. Or am eaten by a whale. Whichever cometh first.